Part One

I don't remember exactly when I was first introduced to God. Since I was born into a

Hindu family, there was a custom of singing Thevarams (hymns of Gods) in the shrine room

on Fridays. Even though at the beginning it was done for the sake of my parents, little by little

I started to concentrate on God. On other days also we would pray to God in the shrine room

mornings and six o'clock in the evenings after washing our faces. We would also pray before

eating our lunch. I remember when I prayed to God sometimes I asked him to save us from

the thunderstorms etc. Maybe my parents have taught me that I can ask God's help in

matters we can't control. I can still remember once my PT teacher had told me that in order

to participate in some sports I needed my running shorts. So I hurried home to check whether

I still had my old running shorts, all the while praying to God for that. I found those shorts with

my other clothes but I don't remember thanking God for that. This is how my interactions with

God had started.

Once when I was little I overheard adults talking about a prominent figure (possibly a principal) who suffered from a stroke and was unable to do anything for himself. I felt sad for him. So I decided to pray for his recovery whenever I pray at night. From then on I started praying to God for anyone if I found out that they were sick. The adults might have noticed that I prayed for a longer time than others. I didn't know that. Once my oldest brother asked me nicely, "why do you take so long to pray?" I innocently told him the truth. He might have told everyone, because one day a girl studying in my school came and asked me, "you pray for everyone?" I said "yes". Then she said, "you must be a Christian". I didn't understand what she meant by that. I later understood what she meant. That girl was a Christian.

We don't go to temples regularly. As one Tamil saying goes 'everything is in our mind' so we do our prayers mostly at home. I remember sometimes when my mother would want to go to the temple, my father would jokingly say "I'll lay down and you circle me and pray". But whenever we do go to the temple (mostly for my grandfather's death anniversary called Thivasam), my father would pray wholeheartedly by prostrating on the floor and so on. The only person who used to go to the temple regularly was my second big brother. He used to go every Friday. Next to him was my second big sister. She would go during festival days. She would also fast on the holy days and then go to the temple. I wasn't able to do fasting. I found it too hard to stay hungry. People made fun of me for not being able to fast. So I started to fast. There's a fasting called Kantha Shashti for Lord Muruga which comes in November. This consisted of six days of fasting. We can eat only once for five days and on the last day we have to fast for the whole day. I did that fasting and went to the temple on the last day of fasting and I vividly remember, when I prostrated on the floor I felt like my whole self  (body, mind and spirit) was doing that!

When I was younger I heard people talking about 'Naerththi Kadan'. I later learned that this means we ask something from God and in return we do something (like breaking coconuts in the temple or donating to the temple) to God if we get what we asked for. It is like making a deal with God. I didn't understand it at that time. If I wanted anything I used to ask him/her directly just the way I ask my parents. But after I grew up, in order to pass an exam I made a deal with Goddess Sarasvati (goddess of learning) that if I pass that exam I'll fast for the nine days of Navratri (the nine day celebrations for three goddesses). I passed the exam but I never fulfilled my end of the deal.   

In Sri Lanka, until grade ten we usually study in one school. For grade eleven and twelve we go to another school. It depends on the school. Some schools have grade eleven and twelve with former grades too. We have a public exam in grade twelve. If we get enough marks in that exam we can go to the university. Or else we try other means like clerical etc. We also have religion as a subject until grade ten. The Hindu children go to one class to study Hinduism. Since the majority of the children were Hindus we usually just stay in the same classroom. The Christian children go to their prayer room to study Christianity and the Muslim children go to another class to study Islam. Hinduism was also one of my favorite subjects apart from Tamil language, History etc. I really enjoyed the theological study of Hinduism (Saiva Siddhanta).

In religion class I learned a particular song that starts with the five letter mantra in Tamil Sivayanama (சிவாயநம). After I came home that day I asked my eldest brother about that song and he said "if we recite that mantra continuously we will always be out of danger". So I started reciting it in my mind continuously. I wanted to save the mantra while I was sleeping. So I came up with a creative idea. When I went to sleep I chose five things that were visible to me while laying down and I ‘imaginarily’ saved the mantra on those and went to bed. 

When I was young I had a hard time eating non-vegetarian foods like fish or meat. While we were eating on the dining table mother tried to serve me fish curry and I used to run with my plate. But mother caught me and served it on my plate. I found it difficult to eat. When I forced myself to eat it I couldn't swallow it. But my other siblings seemed to like eating it. So I was thinking why I was the only person who had a hard time eating it and I came to a decision that I myself was a divine child and that is probably why I didn’t like eating meat. In that innocent age (we used to think that our father was Lord Shiva and our mother was Goddess Uma) I don't think it's bad to think that way. As children we come to creative conclusions to fit our experiences.

When I was little I had nightmares very often. In those nightmares ghosts surrounded our house and asked for me and my mother would say that she may hand me over to them. Since I read about the afterlife now sometimes I would remember those nightmares. I studied in psychology that sometimes parents scare small children if they don't do certain things they would hand them over to someone. I asked my mother if she scared me like that. She said she didn't scare me like that.   

Some might think that spirituality is only about devotion and why am I talking about afterlife and stuff. I thought the same way until one of my relatives gave me a book about the afterlife. It's a book written by a medium. I remember thinking at that time 'why I should read a medium's book'. But once I started to read it, I was so amazed by it. I realized that if we don't know what happens after death, we're only halfway spiritually.     

In Hindu religion I was very interested in the philosophy of it. I always studied about the doctrine called Padhi, Pasu and Paasam. That is, Padhi is God, Pasu is soul and Paasam is the ego which makes the soul get separated from God. 

In the public exam called GCE Ordinary Level (an exam in Sri Lanka that happens in grade ten) I got credit marks (65-74%) for religion too with other science subjects like math, chemistry etc. After I came to Canada, while attending a spiritual discourse called 'Satsang' at the Sai Center, a white woman asked me whether I can understand the philosophy called 'Advaitham' because she couldn't understand it and I answered positively. She seemed not to believe what I said. I didn't want to hurt the old woman's feelings by telling her that I studied those things at school. So I kept quiet.

When we were kids there was a family living beside our house and they had three kids aged six, seven and eight. The wife liked to go to the temple very often but the husband was not like that. Whenever she was at the temple she seemed to look soaked in devotion (I remember seeing her whenever I went to the temple with my second elder sister). We have a custom in our country that whenever we hear the temple bell ringing we pray to God and do some kuttus (just like Christians put a cross on their chest we strike with knuckles on our temples - in Tamil we call it kuttu- as a ceremony in worshiping a deity). Most people do it for a brief moment but I remember that particular neighbor woman would do that until the sound of the ringing stopped. She was also so committed to going to the temple that some days she put enough kerosene in the cooker and put the 'pittu' (a kind of Tamil food sometimes we also call it puttu) to be cooked and would go to the temple. Her idea was when the kerosene finished, the cooker would automatically stop. She was that committed.       

There was also another family with a similar kind of mother. She was also so religious. She did meditations. Her husband was a businessman. The children were left alone. So I sometimes think about those women and how others commented on their behaviors whenever I think about my spirituality. I question myself if I am like them and so on.

When I was little I remember reading a book where I came across a saying ‘'God created every living being so that they follow their feelings in their day to day dealings but man doesn't follow that. Whenever he starts to follow his feelings or intuition then only will he be successful in his life' and so on. I liked reading those kinds of books and would want to follow whatever advice they gave me. I remembered that I wanted to be a good girl all the time. But as I got older and started to study Darwin's ‘Theory of Evolution' in science I started to wonder if there really was a God or is it just like the scientists say (that the universe started by accident). Now when my son says that he's an atheist I can relate it to myself since I too passed a similar phase.

We went to the temples mostly on Fridays when I was younger. Since Fridays are considered holy days for Hindus, a lot of people come to the temple on Fridays. One day an astrologer told us that there's a defect in the position of the planet Saturn and how it would affect my father (According to astrology five planets which are closer to Earth; Mars, Jupiter, Saturn, Mercury and Venus combined with the Sun and Moon can affect the people living on Earth). As a remedy he told us that either my father or my mother can do a fasting and go to temple on Saturdays and do a special kind of worship to the Demi God Saturn. Since my father was not interested in doing that, my mother started doing it. I went with my mother to the temple on Saturdays. Then only I noticed that only a few people come to the temple on Saturdays and that I can worship God without any disturbances as such. Since then I liked to go to temples on Saturdays. People always say that going to temples on holy days is better. But I felt differently. Since during the so-called holy days the temples were filled with people. We would come across at least one or two people we knew. Then there were social etiquettes like saying hello and so on. But on other days like Saturdays the temple was so quiet we could worship God peacefully. 

In Hindu philosophy I learned about how desires lead people to distress and so on. It was speaking about three kinds of desires mainly. The first one is the desire to obtain land. That's called 'Mannasai' in Tamil. மண்ணாசை. ‘Mann’ means earth or land in Tamil. ‘Asai’ means desire. Hence the name. Next one is the desire for gold. That is 'Ponnasai'. பொன்னாசை. ‘Ponn’ is gold. Last one is 'Pennasai'. பெண்ணாசை. ‘Penn’ means woman in Tamil. That is exclusively for men. In that philosophy it said that, 'If we leave out these three main desires, our lives would be happier.’ I was contemplating on that philosophy and decided to follow it. I thought 'since I'm a girl, I don't have to worry about the last one and if I leave out the first two desires then it would be ok'. The first one was not a problem since I was a child. The second one was successful early on but later became an issue. I didn't have any issues about not wearing gold jewelry when I was a small girl even though wearing gold jewelry is part of our culture. Maybe because of security reasons or jewelry not being allowed in schools, we were limited to earrings and rings at home when we were little. As I got older the problem started when I went to the temple. We used to wear our traditional dresses like long skirts and blouses or sarees when we go to temples. With those dresses gold jewelries like gold chains (necklace) and bangles (bracelets) are a must. So when I refused to wear the big jewelry like chains and bangles, problems started. I still remember one of our neighbor women came to my house (because my mother asked her to) and begged me to wear one or two pieces of jewelry and I listened. Since then it has been an issue. Since I wasn’t able to explain the philosophy to them I told everyone at home that I don't like wearing jewelry. Still it was a big issue at home. I told them that I can wear jewelry that is not gold so they learned to put up with my demands. But after I got married my mother-in-law told me to wear gold jewelry and I obeyed her. When my mother heard about this she said sarcastically "oh now you wear them but when we asked you didn't listen".

When I was a kid, one of our neighbors had some relatives come over. As a friendly gesture my mother wanted to share a special dish with them. She wanted me to bring the dish to them. So I brought it to their home. Those neighbors were Christians and so were their relatives. When I went there to give them the dish one woman started to make fun of our Hindu religious hymns (Thevaram). The others also followed her in making fun of other Hindu thevarams. I was only eight or nine years old and they were all grown ups. I didn't know how to react in that situation. We were taught to respect others, especially people older than us. So I didn't say anything. But I felt so bad. Now, when I think about that incident I can't avoid thinking about how small-minded those people must have been. I didn't know what kind of spiritual growth they gained by it. But one thing was certain; I felt so strong to be in my religion.   

I also remember on Fridays when we used to sing hymns in the shrine room, one particular song has a verse that says to let other religions vanish. I stopped singing that verse and then continued with the song. Maybe someone noticed it or I mentioned it to someone, everyone came to know what I felt about that verse. I remembered there was a discussion about that hymn at our home. Eventually that hymn dropped off from the list of the songs we sang. I don't remember which incident happened first. Maybe the previous incident made me want to respect other religions too.

I started reading a variety of books during my childhood. Story books, religious books and books about life lessons. The 'Bhagavad Gita" was a book that I would read whenever I needed to lift my mood (A prominent book in Hinduism which consists of supposed counsel given to Prince Arjuna by Lord Krishna about our duties in this world). Once it so happened that I got scolded by my mother for something and I started to read the Bhagavad Gita. One of my sisters went and told my mother about it and my mother called me and asked "what went wrong now for you to read the Bhagavad Gita?" This habit continued even after I went to the university. There was a Hindu temple called Kurinchi Kumaran kovil on the university campus. There was a library beside the temple. I found a Tamil book called 'Karma Kanda'. Karma means action in Sanskrit. It explained how to behave in every situation. Even as a child whenever I read these kinds of books I wanted to follow the guidelines so when I read the Karma Kanda book I wanted to follow the guidelines and I did follow to a certain extent.

In Hindu culture chastity and virtuousness is often prescribed for women. In the scriptures and other Hindu texts it is said that the women gain spiritual powers by practicing these virtues. I remember reading in the books about a woman called Savitri who was able to see the lord of death Yama in person, when he came to get her husband's soul, her powers allowed her to fight for her husband's life and she won. Another story was about the wife of the ancient Tamil poet Thiruvalluvar called Vasuki who tried to draw water from a well and in the middle of doing it her husband called her so she ordered the rope and the bucket to stay in the same place and attended to her husband's needs. When she came back the bucket with the water remained in the same place. These kinds of stories inspired me when I was little and I wanted to be like these women. But as I grew up I started to read Tamil magazines like 'Ananda Vikatan' from India and learnt about feminism and became attracted by those ideas. So there are two women inside me. One is like Vasuki and Savitri. The other one is a feminist. I guess I’m in the middle.

In the 1970s we started hearing news about a man called Saibaba who does miracles. When we first heard about these miracles I remember looking at my father’s reaction. My father said, "It might be a Siththu Vilaiyaattu ''. In Hinduism when an aspirant climbs on a spiritual ladder (he/she is earnestly practicing the methods of spiritual development) they might get some kind of powers. Those powers are categorized as the 'Attamaa sithi' (eight great powers). When an aspirant shows these kinds of powers people say they indulge in Sithu vilayattu (vilaiyaatu means games in Tamil).

My father was a devotee of a sage called Yogar swamigal who once lived in the northern part of Sri Lanka. Maybe for him Saibaba's miracles seemed to be a 'siththu vilaiyattu' or maybe it wasn't time for him to believe in Baba...I don't know. But when he made that comment I put Baba's matter aside without knowing what ‘sithu vilayattu’ means. A lot of our neighbors were doing Sai bhajans and we would not go. Maybe our family didn’t have the good fortune that time. My second big brother used to go to those bhajans. He was the only person from our family who believed in Baba that time.

After I came to Canada, my husband, our five year old daughter and myself went to the Sai bhajan center by bus and metro on Sundays (I started to believe in Baba before coming to Canada). In those bhajans I heard the same songs I heard in our neighborhood. I got emotional thinking 'once it was happening beside us in the walking distance but we didn't go. And now we have to travel all the way during the cold and snowy winter to hear the same songs'. My daughter was wiping my tears saying, "don't cry mommy don't cry". 

My second big brother used to tell me about Baba's glories, especially Shirdi Baba's (previous incarnation) glories. “For a devotee Shirdi Baba came in person to grace him” he said. At that time I didn't give much attention to that. I think it wasn't my time to believe in Baba. 

When I was in the university hostel there was a girl named Nalayini. She was a Sai devotee. She gave me a book about Saibaba. In that book Baba said a lot of spiritual things like we need a name and a form to pray to God with. It can be Krishna or Christ, he said. He didn't mention anything like "pray to me" or anything. Even after reading that book I felt like he's one of the venerable religious persons but not as God. It wasn't my time yet. Thank god I started to believe in his divinity before coming to Canada. How I started to believe him is a big story.   

When I was living in Sri Lanka myself and my daughter used to come to Colombo from Batticaloa for immigration purposes. Since my father was an accountant in the ministry of highways he and my mother were living temporarily at a circuit bungalow. So whenever we came to Colombo we stayed at the circuit bungalow. Only one room was allocated for my father but if there's no one in the other room we used that room too. There were a lot of books and magazines in that room. All the books were ours. Books were the only entertainment we had there. I almost read all the books except one. It was a book about Baba (Sai Baba AVATAR) written by an Australian called Howard Murphet. That book belongs to my second brother in law. He was also a believer. Even if I couldn't find anything to read I would not take that book. I guess it wasn't time yet.

At that time my husband didn't have permanent residence status in Canada. So he tried to sponsor us through something called a 'special ministry permit'. We faced an interview at the Canadian embassy and were waiting for the results. After a few weeks the Canadian embassy sent a letter telling us that since we didn't have any problems in Sri Lanka we can wait until my husband gets his status in Canada to sponsor us. I was so upset and went to the other room and laid down on the bed. My hands grabbed the Avatar book unconsciously. Once I started to read it. I was in awe to learn how many miracles Saibaba had done. I remember studying in Hinduism if the spiritually inclined person uses his power (the siththi) to do something he loses it. Then he has to do penance to regain it. But Baba was doing miracles since childhood and he was still doing it. He didn't seem to be losing his powers. Also he didn't go to a forest to do penance or anything. Then only I realized that he had divine powers. There was a big transformation happening inside me.

Then only I realized it was a Thursday. Thursdays are considered holy days for Baba devotees. I thought Baba had chosen that day to attract me. I got fully attracted to Baba. We knew that Thursdays are holy days for Baba through my Sai devoted aunt from my mother's side. My aunt was a staunch devotee, she believed that any good thing happened to her on Thursdays only. Hindus usually eat only vegetarian foods on Fridays because it's a holy day for us. But aunt would be strictly vegetarian on Thursdays but not necessarily on Fridays or so. I remember we were being judgmental about it. Now sometimes I'm doing the same.

The next day of reading Howard Murphet's book on Baba I wanted to buy a picture of Baba.

So I went to the stores. When I was walking on the street I came across a small boutique

kind of store. I went inside. That boutique was only for Baba's pictures. I didn't know that

Singhalese people also became Baba devotees until then. So I bought a picture of Baba

and returned to the circuit bungalow room. My mother used a shelf as a shrine and put some

of the Hindu God's pictures she cut from the calendars. I wasn't sure whether my father would

like it if I put Baba's picture on it. So I put Baba's picture in such a way that my father could not

see it. I knew my mother started to believe in Baba previously. So I told my mother about it.

Next week two of my sisters came to Colombo for some reason. When they tried to light the

lamp in front of the God's pictures one of the cardboard pictures fell on the fire and burnt slightly.

Sisters were worried that our mother might think it was a bad omen or something. So they moved

that picture to the back and put Baba's picture on that place. I didn't know that. Next day I saw

Baba's picture in the front. I kept quiet. Then only I came to know what really happened. Thank

God my father didn't say anything in that regard.

Since it was hard to manage in a single room with my five year old daughter I decided to go back

to Batticaloa and wait until my husband gets landed immigrant status in Canada. My daughter

and I traveled by train to Batticaloa. When we reached our house in Batticaloa I took a shower

and went to the shrine to pray. But I couldn't pray to the pictures of the deities without Baba's

picture. All the pictures were either on a table leaning on the wall or hanging on the wall. Usually

I concentrate on lord Shiva's picture or lord Muruga's picture. But this time I couldn't. For me

those pictures looked like a body without a soul. I knew my second big brother had a picture of

Baba somewhere there. I was looking for it and found it behind one of the other pictures. It was

a tiny picture glued on cardboard. I put it in front of the other pictures on the table and suddenly

all those pictures looked lively to me.

I had had some other spiritual experiences even before this. One experience happened when I

was nearly 20 years of age and before going to the university. We moved back to Batticaloa from

Bandarawela (a city in the southern central part) because of my father's work. Someone gave my

father a Tamil book called 'Kailayam Kanden'. It's about a pilgrimage to mount Kailash. Mount

Kailash in the Himalayan range is considered sacred to Hindus. We consider it the abode of Lord

Shiva. We have other pilgrimage places too like Kashi (Varanasi), Rameswaram etc. To these

places we can travel by normal means like trains or buses. But traveling to Kailash was not that

easy, especially in those days. One of the sages traveled to Kailash with a group of people and

wrote his experiences in a book with photos. In Tamil, Kailash is called Kailayam and 'kanden'

means 'I have seen'. Hence the title. I started to read that book. While reading it I felt like I was

also traveling with them. I read all the struggles they had on their way. There's also a holy lake

called 'Manasarovar' near Mount Kailash. When they had a dip into that cold water I felt myself

also dipped in the holy Manasarovar lake. When they finally reached the abode of Shiva I was

in an ecstatic state feeling I was there too.

I had had another similar experience too. Someone had told my mother that there was going to

be a temple being built in India and if we write the mantra 'Sri Ram Jaya Ram Jaya Jaya Ram'

108 times and send it to them they could put those papers on the foundation of the temple

which could be beneficial for us or something. Mother wanted us to write the mantra 108 times.

So we started to write it. One afternoon I was sitting at a table in the garage and was writing

the mantra. The garage door was open. Since we didn't have any cars we used the garage for

other purposes like studying or the like. Suddenly a snake slithered fast inside the garage

through the opened door and whether it tried to climb on the wall and fell or something, it looked

like it was jumping on the wall. And then it glided through the other door into our backyard and

disappeared. I was dumbstruck by the sudden event. Since I was alone at that time I didn't know

what to make of it. Later on when I told someone about this incident he said it is definitely a

spiritual experience. He said since I was writing Lord Vishnu's mantra he came to bless me.

Snakes have been associated with Hinduism since ancient times. Lord Shiva is always depicted

with a cobra around his neck and Lord Vishnu is considered lying down on a serpent called

'Adisesha' in the ocean of milk.

I had had an experience surpassing all these experiences. It also happened in the same garage.

One day in the twilight I was sitting at the same spot, maybe reading a book or something.

Suddenly a thought appeared in my head asking myself, "who am I and what am I doing here".

I was petrified by the question. I didn't know what to do with that question. I got up and left the

place at once. For a twenty something years old girl a question like that is frightening no? When

I'm thinking about it now I felt it's a spiritual experience but at that age no wonder I felt that way.

I remember to avoid being alone after that incident. I also thought of myself as crazy or

something.

Part Two

I think I can divide my spiritual journey into two parts as before coming to Canada and after

coming to Canada. First I thought of dividing it like before I became a Sai devotee and after I

became one. But I've already written about how I became a Sai devotee. So I changed my

mind. But I became a Sai devotee before coming to Canada. That is also his grace (We have

a saying in Tamil that even to pray to God we need God's grace. Otherwise we can't do it). I

used to think that Baba thought of making me a Sai devotee before I came to Canada or else

I would be suffering or something. When I studied Early Childhood Education in a college in

Montreal I had a course named 'Interpersonal Skills'. In that course we studied about the

Individualistic societies and Collectivist societies. Individualistic societies are those that prioritize

the needs of an individual over the needs of the group they belong to whereas collectivist

societies prioritize the needs of the groups over the needs of the individuals of those groups. The

US, Western Europe and Australia are examples of individualistic societies. Countries such as

Portugal, Mexico and Turkey are examples of collectivist societies. Of course the Indian and

Srilankan cultures are collectivistic cultures. Everyone's thoughts have an effect on the vibrations

surrounding those societies and create a combined effect. Those vibrations can affect people's

mind living in that society. The vibrations in the Eastern countries like Sri Lanka or India are not

the same as the vibrations in the Western countries. Maybe it's because of the thoughts of the

people in those countries I don't know. I felt it in my experience. When I lived in India I had the

same problems as I had in Canada in the later years. But somehow I had the mental strength to

tolerate the difficulties when I was in India than I was in Canada. I also have other experiences with

the vibrations. Once I remember going into a school building to give my daughter her lunch bag

during lunch hour. All the children were in the dining room. When I returned from the school buildingI felt something like academic vibrations in me. I don't know how to explain it. Once me and my

husband went to the Sai Baba bhajan center in Montreal. It was within a few months of me and my

daughter coming to Canada. I was homesick and depressed. It was like mental agony. Once we

entered the building we went to the basement to leave our shoes and jackets. There was a picture of

Baba with a smiling face hanging on the wall. I was praying to him in my mind while I was passing it.

After we left the shoes and came to the bajan hall my mind was cleared and I felt peace in my mind.

Actually the spiritual vibrations in that building and Baba's grace cleared my mind. There's some truth

about the vibrations. If a society is individualistic rather than collectivistic then the vibrations in that

society can affect in a negative way a person coming from a collectivistic society I think. I often think

this is why Baba made me a Sai devotee before I came to Canada so that I have something to hold on

to whenever I have difficulties. Even though I heard about Baba in the seventies I started to

believe in his divinity only in the early nineties. That was just one year before coming to Canada. If

I had believed in his divinity when we were living in India I would have dragged my husband with

me to see Baba. Even though we lived in the sacred land for three years I didn't see my Lord.

Even though I became a Sai devotee before coming to Canada I think I didn't accept him fully. Once, my favorite singer from India (P. Susheela) came to Canada. We went to her concert. They were selling audio cassettes of Baba bhajans sung by her there. I bought a cassette and got her signed. Next day I was listening to those bajans in the Walkman my husband had gifted me and was folding the clothes. As is customary the bajans had started with lord Ganesha. Then lord Shiva, lord Muruga and lord Krishna's songs went on. All those songs had ended with Baba's name in the last verse. But one particular song started like 'prashanthi nilaya sunthara...'. That means 'The charming person who resides in the Prashanthi Nilayam'. Baba's residence in his hometown is called the Prashanthi Nilayam (prashanthi means highest peace and nilayam means house. So the meaning of his residence is 'home for highest peace'). The songs which had Baba's name at the end were acceptable for me but not the full song about him alone. Also the cassette wasn't full. Only three fourths of the tape had songs on it. That also reduced my interest in it. So, I put it on the top shelf and forgot about it. After that a lot of miracles happened in my life because of his grace (I had written a letter to Baba about my problems and it got solved in a most unexpected way). One day after that I happened to listen to that cassette and when I heard the same song (Prashanthi nilaya sunthara...) I broke into tears thinking 'Oh my God, one half of myself is over there. What am I going to do?'. I sat on the floor and was crying and crying. The same song that I didn't want to listen to before made me cry at that moment. I think after his miracles happened in my life only I was ready to accept him fully.

We used to go to a bajan center conducted by a French family every Sunday. My sister-in-law got married then. Her groom came from France. He was also a Sai devotee. Actually he was a staunch Sai Devotee. After the wedding celebrations finished he had started a bajan center in his house for the Tamil people. It was the first Tamil bajan center in Montreal. Apparently he had started two bajan centers for Tamils in France. Actually I didn't know anything about the Sai bajans as I was new to the Sai worship. He gave me a set of old torn papers on which Baba's 108 namavali (prayers on god reciting his various names) were written and asked me to write them down on a new set of papers so that we can recite them at the beginning of the bajan. 108 is considered a sacred number in Hinduism. I wrote them down. Until then I didn't know about namavali. I also didn't know any bhajan songs then. He gave me bajan cassette pieces to listen to and encouraged me to sing bhajan songs. Little by little I also became a professional bajan singer.        

Every Sunday we had bhajans at his house (sister-in-law's house). Relatives, friends and others who wanted to join in the bajans came. Then they (sister-in-law and husband) moved to Toronto. The bajan also moved to another person's house. They wanted to have bajans at their house. People wanted to run bajans in their houses to elevate the sacred vibrations of their houses. Their house was a little farther than my sister-in-law's house. Since we didn't have cars back then, we had to take the bus and the underground train called Metro to go to the bajan. The continuous bajans made me more spiritual and I gave up meat and became a vegetarian again. Actually I was a vegetarian before marriage and started to eat meat after marriage. I continued to be a vegetarian for some time. Since my husband liked to eat meat and our daughter's food is not the same as ours it was very hard to keep my vegetarianism. So my husband changed my mind and I started to eat meat again.

I was pregnant with my second child. I took a bus to go to the bajan every Sunday. Sometimes my husband joined me but sometimes I went alone. Everyone in the bajan center said my child is a blessed one because it can hear the bajans even in mother's womb.

The people whose house where the bajans happened had some problems and they were not able to continue bhajans. So we started to have the bajans at our house at this juncture. Since I didn't want the bajan to stop its continuity I told everyone 'let's have the bajan at our house'. But our house wasn't that big to accommodate everyone coming to the bajan. I was a little concerned about it. I left it to Baba to do whatever he wanted to do. Only a few people came to our bajan. Actually a lot of people came to the previous bajans. That too the grace of God I believe.

We had the bajans at our house for two Sundays. A man who came to the bajans before, came to our house bajans the second Sunday and told us there's a place where we can conduct bhajans freely. We agreed to it. It was in front of the Parc metro station in Montreal. The Tamil association called 'Thamilar Oli' had a hall in that big building. They used to give that hall for other public purposes too. So we started to conduct the bajans there. Since it's not happening in people's houses anymore we needed to form a committee. The person who helped us get the hall became the president of the committee and my husband became the vice president.

The bajans were happening well. We used to make prasadams (eatables we offer in front of god's idols and eat them after our praying session is finished) and bring them to the bajans. There was also another woman who was pregnant, who came to the bajan. She said she couldn't decide what name to give the baby. She knew it was a baby boy from the ultrasound. So she asked Baba to guide her in her mind. Baba came to her in her dreams and told her to give the baby lord Muruga's name. So she named the baby boy after lord Muruga. I got inspired by her and I asked Baba to select a name for my baby boy too. We recite the 108 names (namavali) of Bagavan in the beginning of each bajan session. The first before the last line in that namavali was Sulaba prasannaaya namaha. That means he who appears to a devotee as soon as the devotee asks. One day when I was reciting that verse there was an inner voice said to me to name my child Prasanna. So I named him Prasanna. When I was pregnant with him we found out it's a boy during an ultrasound. I was thinking about his name. Since Baba's childhood name was Sathya I thought of giving him that name also. I also believed in numerology. According to numerology each letter has a different character and it can affect our mind too. The people whose names start with the letter 'S' it says have a tendency of being ambivalent. So I didn't choose that name. But Baba gave him his name as his nickname through someone. 

Bajan sessions were going on very well. I was pregnant with my third child. After some time there were problems conducting the bajans. Sister-in-law and her husband had moved back to Montreal again. They renewed the bajan and conducted it again. So the bajan was happening peacefully thereafter for some time. 

I gave birth to my third child (second son). When I was pregnant with him I felt it's a boy even before they were doing an ultrasound. He was born on Krishna Jayanthi day. Krishna Jayanthi means the birthday of Lord Krishna. We named him one of Lord Krishna's names. 

Sometimes I get spiritual experiences through dreams also. 

My husband was doing the evening shift then. His work hours were 3 to 11 pm. Back then I used to sleep early with my newborn and the two year old on either side of me. Before going to bed I served my husband's food. If I was awake whenever my husband came from work I used to get up or else he ate and went to bed. One particular night while I was sleeping I had a dream: There was a round balcony in the midair and I was falling from it. There was someone on the balcony and I asked for help. That person was telling me I have a lot of ego and he can't help me. Then a mantra (one of lord Shiva's names) came in my mind and when I utter that mantra I went up. Then again I fell. Again when I say that mantra I went very high in the sky. In the continuation of the dream we were in front of the house where we grew up and I was above the roof and still doing the same. I was going up and down using the mantra. My daughter was laughing whenever I went up and down. I woke up from the dream saying that mantra. I was semiconscious. In my mind I was saying that mantra continuously. While I was continuously saying the mantra in my mind I felt something was going from me upwards through my head. I felt a soothing feeling in my mind and a pleasant cold feeling in my body. There's no words to describe the feeling. That blissful feeling cannot be explained. In the Hindu scriptures there's a word called 'perinbam'. That means blissfulness. That is the feeling we get when we are near to God. Similar term in English can be ecstasy. So I thought "is it perinbam?" Since I'm an ardent devotee of lord Shiva, I thought that feeling can be received from the mount Kailash - the abode of lord Shiva. But now I'm thinking of it as a spiritual experience only. I was soaked in that blissful state for some time. Then I heard my husband opening the door. I didn't want to lose that blissful feeling so I didn't get up. Next day I told my husband about the experience. When I was thinking about it the next day only I remembered the previous day my mind was in a very purified state. I think I was ready for that spiritual experience. I heard some people say these kinds of spiritual experiences have to be kept secret and not to be shared. I can't agree with it. Also at that time I didn't know that Baba gave some people spiritual initiation through dreams. Then only I heard about it.

When I was small there was an initiation ceremony for kids in our temple. We planned to go for it. That time our aunt's family was visiting from Jaffna. My aunt has seven children and two girls are bigger than my biggest sister. They like picking on small kids like me. When we were planning to go to the initiation ceremony my two cousins and my two big sisters were making fun of that ceremony saying "the priest would say the mantra secretly into your ears and what the priest was going to say". They were all laughing. I got scared. So I said "I'm not going to the initiation ceremony". I remember studying in the religion class that one saint got initiated by lord Shiva when he was staying at a pilgrimage place without him knowing. While he was sleeping at night one person was sleeping on the side of his head and his feet were touching the saint's head repeatedly. Each time when he told that person to take off his feet, he took his feet off and again he touched his head. It happened so many times and finally that saint got annoyed and got up and scolded that person. Then that person disappeared and lord Shiva appeared in his place and told that saint "You requested me to give you initiation. That's why I came". The saint prostrated before lord Shiva. I said I'm going to get an initiation like that. After I had that dream I thought about that incident too. I thought maybe lord Shiva gave me initiation in my dream. God was pulling me little by little on the spiritual path upwards. Since that mantra came in my dream I understood it was my mantra. Sai devotees already have 'Sairam' as a mantra. So I have two mantras now.

Sai bajan was going well. My daughter also started to sing the bhajan songs. Both my sons (3,1 years) used to run around in the bajan center. The Bala Vikas classes had been started for the small children. I was appointed as a Bala Vikas teacher.

Our relative who was doing the bajans used to give me spiritual books to read. Some of the books were in Tamil and some were in English. One particular book was different. It's called 'Conversations with God'. The author's name was Neale Donald Walsch. He had a habit of writing his difficulties on a notepad. Once, he had problems with his wife and children. Not only that, he also had issues in his work and he had health problems too. Overloaded with problems instead of just writing he thought of writing a letter to God. So he started to write an angry letter to God. After writing he tried to put the pencil away but couldn't. The pencil was as if it was going to write something. So he let the pencil write. He was just holding the pencil and it wrote "Do you really want an answer to all these questions or are you just venting?" He was amazed. He then wrote 'I was actually venting but if I can get answers for the questions it will be amazing'. Hence started the dialog. Walsch felt answers to his questions filling his mind and decided to write them down. The ensuing dialogue became the Conversations with God books. After he finished writing his question and kept the pen or pencil just, then his hand would move without his effort. Until he finished writing he didn't know what was going to be written. It's commonly called 'automatic writing'. Lots of books were being written in this way. 'Patience Worth Series Received by a Midwestern Housewife' and 'The Fascinating New Testament Stories Dictated through Geraldine Cummins' were examples of those kinds of books.

So the conversations started with Neale Donald Walsch went on for weeks and at one point it moved from his private matters to general matters. Everyday he sat with paper and pen at the same time and wrote the questions and then the answers to those questions popped up. Even he didn't know how this was going to end at that time. But at one point God has written to him that these conversations are going to come in three books. He didn't believe it then. But when the manuscript of book one was finished he was instructed to start the publishing works. He reluctantly started doing all the work for publishing, thinking if it's going to be accepted by the public.

The first book (Conversations with God, Book 1: An Uncommon Dialogue) was published in 1995 and became a publishing phenomena, staying on 'The New York Times Best Sellers List for more than two years. Book one was speaking about personal matters while the other two in the trilogy were speaking about global matters and universal matters. We read all three and were so amazed. The answers to those questions were not ordinary ones. So authentic. An ordinary human being can't give such answers. The person who's responsible for this whole creation only can give such answers. Especially that third book (which speaks about the secrets of the universe) was supposed to be in all the houses.

The relative who was conducting the bajans once gave a medium's book called ‘A World Beyond’. He used to give spiritual books but this book was about after death. I thought 'why should I read a book about after death? What spirituality I can get in a book like this'. But once I started to read it only I realized that until we knew about what happens after death we are only half way through in spirituality.

After reading that book I got interested in that subject and started to read those kinds of books. Also since the book 'A World Beyond' looked small, I thought of translating it into Tamil and giving it to those people who can't read English. Even though Hindu religion has everything explained because of the new way of thinking and the scientific revolution made people ignore those scriptures. I want them to know there's life after death. Already we were thinking of translating the CWG books. But since those books were big and the answers from God were a bit tricky to translate I was reluctant to do it. Since the book 'A World Beyond' looked small I thought of translating it but once I started to translate it only I found out how difficult it was. Even though it looked small, the sentences were very big. In the beginning I did the direct translation but it wasn't good language-wise. Then only I read those sentences and tried to write it in simple language. At that time I didn't know about blogging. So I tried to write it neatly so that I can give the manuscript to people who came to bajans. After I finished translating some pages I gave some people a chance to read it. At that time my translation also was not that good; And not many people are interested in what happens after we die. But I continued my translation. Then only I came to know about blogging through that relative. Even at that time I didn't know about transliteration. So I didn't write anything in that blog. The person who opened that blog for me once asked why I didn't do anything in that blog. So once I was researching that blog. Then only I found out that we can easily type in Tamil using the English keyboard by the transliteration method. After that I started to put my translations on that blog. The name of the blog is ananthageetham.blogspot.com. I also started another blog in English called solequest.blogspot.com. On that blog I put whatever verses or sentences that spiritually inspired me.

In Canada we lived in Montreal for eleven years, then moved to Cornwall. We lived there for eleven years and then moved to Toronto. While we were living in Cornwall some of my past lives were revealed to me through dreams. One morning I woke up to someone calling me 'Mumthaazi'. After I gained my consciousness only I realized that I was being called by the name Mumthaazi and I said 'yes' to the call. First I was a little confused. I thought maybe my daughter called me 'amma' and I had heard it wrong. Since my husband had gone for work and my two sons had gone to school at that time it was just me and my daughter who were the only people in the house. So I thought maybe she had called me. So I went to check on her in her room and she was sleeping. I woke her up and asked her whether she had called me. She said "no". So I wondered what happened. Also the name 'Mumthaazi' sounds strange to me. When we studied about one of the seven wonders of the world (Taj Mahal) we learned that Mughal emperor Shah Jahan built a mausoleum for his loving wife Mumtaj. So when I was being called by that name I was so confused. It was not Mumtaj but a weird name 'Mumthaazi'. So I checked the internet. Then only I found out her actual name was not Muntaj but Mumthaazi. I was so shocked. I wondered if it was me who was Mumthaazi in one of my past lives to whom the famous monument called Taj Mahal was being built. My intuition said 'yes'. After that incident when I was thinking about the emperor Shah Jahan's palace I felt that their palace was decorated with purple and gold colors. Also their community was a close community. Also I felt I as a queen helped a lot of people. Maybe those were my imaginations but I answered to someone calling me Mumthaazi. That really happened. I don't know how else to explain that.

Before that, I once had a dream of me being a white man in the 1600 or something. Just like we hire taxis now, those days we were able to hire carts pulled by horses. In that dream I hired a cart like that for my moving. While I was traveling on that cart the driver of the cart tricked me, made me unconscious and abducted me to put tattoos on my chest under my neck. After I woke up from my unconsciousness only I saw the tattoo on my chest. It looked like tulip flowers. Two flowers side by side. The tattoo was not fully done. Two lines were drawn that looked like garlands around my chest and the tulips were in between the lines. Only two tulips were on one side of my chest. I got upset and I was asking people how to erase the tattoo from my body. And then I woke up.

After that my daughter and I went to Kingston for sightseeing. We were walking to certain places with a group of people. At that time I had some leg issues called tendonitis. Since I brought a water bottle in my purse it was a little heavy. So my daughter was asking whether she can carry my purse while we were walking and I said "it's ok I'll carry". After the trip we came home. That night I had a dream: I was a man servant to a famous singer and my daughter was my son (a little boy around ten years). I had to bring some heavy wooden boards from a shed at the frontside of her house to somewhere else. My son felt bad for me and asked whether he can do the work instead of me and I told him "no dear it's my job". Then that singer came outside of the house to go somewhere else. And my dream had ended. Some people interpreted that dream something like: Since I like that singer I had that dream or something. But I didn't have any likes of her before that dream but after that dream I have a fatherly feeling towards her.

My previous births were revealed to me thus. Some people say reincarnation is a hoax. But a lot of Americans are doing research on it. Ian Stevenson was an American psychiatrist. He worked for the University of Virginia School of Medicine for fifty years, as chair of the department of psychiatry from 1957 to 1967, Carlson Professor of psychiatry from 1967 to 2001, and Research Professor of Psychiatry from 2002 until his death. Stevenson became known for his research of reincarnation. Over a period of forty years in international fieldwork, he investigated three thousand cases of children who claimed to remember past lives. He was the author of around three hundred papers and fourteen books on reincarnation, including European Cases of the Reincarnation Type. Another child psychiatrist called Jim Tucker from the same university continued Stevenson's research and wrote a book called Life Before Life: A Scientific Investigation of Children's Memories of Previous Lives. There's another woman called Carol Bowman who became interested in the 'past life' phenomenon by accident. On Independence Day, 1988, five-year-old Chase Bowman became inexplicably terrified by a fireworks display. Over the next few months, his fear of explosive noises intensified. For help, his mother Carol Bowman, turned to a friend who was a hypnotherapist. The hypnotherapist simply put Chase on his mother's lap and asked him to close his eyes and tell what he sees when he hears loud noises. Chase immediately began describing himself as a soldier—an adult soldier—carrying a gun. "I’m standing behind a rock. I’m carrying a long gun with a kind of sword at the end." Chase seemed to be transferred to a battlefield during the Civil War. He also saw a black soldier being shot. When asked about his ethnicity he said he's also black. In his vision, Chase was shot in the wrist and sent to a field hospital. After being bandaged, he was sent back to the front to man a cannon. He said he was then killed during the battle. It appeared that he had a past life during the Civil War. Carol was certain that he could not have known any of these things, as he had never watched or read anything about it. Later, he drew rough sketches of the field hospital and the cannon that he had seen. Civil War historians felt that the drawings were very accurate. Interestingly, he also had eczema on his wrist that went away soon after his hypnotic session. Carol became interested in past life experiences with children and later wrote a book about it called "Children's Past Lives".

My daughter's wedding was held in 2016. One of the two main reasons for our move from

Cornwall to Toronto is to perform our daughter's wedding. Other one is our sons’ studies. Even

though I'm inclined towards spirituality, as a mother and a housewife I try to do my duties well.

Part Three

When we moved to Toronto I couldn't find any jobs at the beginning. My sister was working in a

daycare center in Toronto. She had told me that sometimes they get supply staff from an agency if

there is any one absent, and suggested I try that agency for work. Since I studied Early Childhood

Education in Montreal, I worked in daycare centers before moving to Toronto. So I thought it's a

nice idea to start with. So I applied to that agency and after the formalities I got

hired by that agency. Even though I was a supply staff I got work almost everyday but not at the

same daycare center. Everyday I had to go to different daycare centers. The staff in a daycare

center would not respect the supply staff because we're just temporary staff. Even they can't be

blamed. If there's a new staff in a room, the regular staff would have double the responsibilities -

explaining everything to the new staff as well as taking care of the children. So it's not surprising

that they get frustrated and they take it on the new staff. So I had to put up with a lot of

mistreatments in the daycares I went to. In Montreal and Cornwall I had quitted my jobs because of

the mistreatments of someone or the other. But this time I decided to be patient. The reason was

not just that it was hard to find jobs but there was another reason too. That was kind of spiritual.

Since I was notified about my ego in one of my dreams I thought maybe I was a powerful person in

my previous births. Maybe that's why I chose to be born with less power this time to work on my

ego. So I thought the experiences I got in the daycares can be lessons for me to reduce my ego.

So I was tolerating all those mistreatments and kept on going to work. This is when my nephew's

demise happened. It was a tremendous shock for everyone in the family. It wasn't that easy for us

to cope with the situation.

So I took a week off from work. Next week in order to go to work I tried to accept one shift. It was an eform we were supposed to click. I had the agency's website on my cell phone. So I tried to click on the accepting button on their eform as usual but my finger had clicked on the other button. That means I'm not accepting that shift. My family members who were standing next to me were making fun of me telling me that I purposefully clicked the other button. But I knew that I had genuinely tried to accept that shift. But my finger had pressed the wrong button. It was a surprise for me. It didn't happen before. I usually accept the shifts that way. Then I thought since my late nephew knew my issues with the daycares, he was the one who made my finger touch the other button. So I took more days off until my mind got stronger before I started to work.

After my nephew's demise, just like everyone else in the family I also felt deep misery and sorrow. But since I have a spiritual side I decided to choose the spiritual path. Otherwise the loss is unbearable I thought. Spiritual path doesn't mean going to temple very often. It is deeper than that. My late nephew is guiding me into the spiritual path through dreams and all that. In one of the dreams he made me think that the physical body is just a temporary one and one day it will be destroyed. Because of him we went to the holy city of Varanasi. We took a dip in the holy river Ganges. While we were there I felt like we were a little elevated. Even though the western media and the youngsters told otherwise I felt some divine power when we were there. I felt like I belonged there. It so happened that my parents had to go to India before I was born. My grandfather from my dad's side went to South India. To fulfill his desire of going to the holy places in North India my father flew to India with my mother and took his father to the holy places like Rishikesh, Varanasi etc. My older siblings were left with my grandparents from mom's side. After they returned from India only me and my younger sisters were born. As a joke my father used to tell me that I am the consort of lord Muruga (Valli) from Thiruchendur and so on. Since childhood I have been inclined to be spiritual. I jokingly tell my parents that maybe a sage from Rishikesh was born as me. But when I was in Varanasi I felt like I lived there in one of my previous births or something.

I was very tolerant while I was working as a supply staff in daycare centers. Maybe the universe or some higher power decided to put an end to that. One day I fell unconscious in the washroom and didn't get consciousness for nearly two hours or so. My husband was doing night shifts at that time. So he came home from work in the morning and after taking a shower he ate breakfast, drank tea and went to sleep as usual. I too drank tea and went to the washroom as usual. That's when I fell unconscious. Since my two sons didn't have classes that day they were in their room studying. When I regained consciousness after two hours I found myself on the washroom floor. I managed to get up and as soon as I got up I was nauseated. That sound made my sons come and knock on the washroom door and ask 'are you ok?' I opened the door and told them what happened and told them to wake up dad. Since I was dizzy and nauseated my husband and children took care of me. After that incident I was afraid of going to work. To go to work I had to travel alone to new places using Google maps. When my shift got confirmed I used to get directions from Google maps the previous night. Then by using the subway and buses I traveled to that place. But after that incident I was worried what if I faint while traveling alone to work. So I decided to quit the job. I called that agency and told them that I'm going to quit the job.

But there was one component I didn't tell anybody about that incident (I didn't want anyone to think that I'm crazy). At the beginning I couldn't remember anything. But I tried to recollect my memories. I remembered after drinking my tea I was walking to the washroom and sat on the toilet as usual. When I kept trying to remember more and more about those morning incidents only I remembered when I sat on the toilet I felt some energy in front of me. I felt that it was a kind of energy which can punish the bad and reward the good. The closest description of that energy can be Lady Justice. That's all I was able to remember and then I could remember finding myself on the floor. Now, when I watch the Tamil TV about a Hindu demigod called Saneesvaran, who corresponds to the planet Saturn I can tell the energy I felt in the washroom that day was also similar to him. It can be said that he's equivalent to Lady Justice in manners. 

But this is not the first time I felt like this. Once I felt my late brother's presence while I was working in the brake pads factory. I thought he tried to help me with my issue at the workplace then. Since most of the people don't understand these kinds of subtle intuitions I don't tell anyone about these experiences.

The younger generation from our families, people who think a little revolutionary and of course people from other religions often make fun of the pantheon of our Hindu Gods. Since I'm a devotee of lord Shiva I usually don't bother much about lord Vishnu. Since my nickname is Geetha and also I learnt the essence of the Bagavath Geetha is: 'do your duty and leave the rest to god' at school, I like it very much, which was recited by lord Krishna (one of the incarnations of lord Vishnu). Also I read about lord Rama in a book called 'Sakkaravarthi Thirumakan' (The venerated son of the emperor) written by the former chief minister of Tamil Nadu state, late Rajaji. Lord Rama is also considered one of the incarnations of lord Vishnu. Those were the only connections in-between me and Vaishnavism (one of the Hindu denominations considers Vishnu as the Supreme Being) until I got an insight of lord Vishnu. It happened like this: Once my niece's family took me to Florida when they drove there. One of my sisters lives there. We went to Marco Island. That beach has a bountiful of seashells. People usually pickup seashells when they go there. So my sister gave everyone a shopping bag. There were a lot of seashells. So we picked up a lot of them in our bags for fun. When we returned home I had two bags full of seashells. I didn't know what to do with them. I remembered in Sri Lanka when we went to a beach called Pasikuda, there were people selling figurines made out of seashells. So after I washed them thoroughly I was trying to make something with them. One day while I was figuring out what to do with the seashells I was amazed by the different varieties of seashells and kind of awestruck by the different life forms within the sea. While I was thinking deeply on that matter, suddenly a notion arose in my mind that there's an aspect of Vishnu in the sea. It hit me suddenly and I stood still for a while. Then only I realized what had just happened.             

I was contemplating on it for the next few days. Little by little it dawned on me that Lord Vishnu's and his consort Goddess Laxmi's lives were always connected with the ocean. Lord Vishnu is considered as lying down on a serpent called the 'Adisesha' in the so-called milky ocean. Even Goddess Luxmy Devi is considered to have emerged from the milky ocean when the celestial beings churned the milky ocean. The first two incarnations of lord Vishnu's supposed ten incarnations (Dasavathara) were the fish and the tortoise, no? Both happened in the ocean. Lord Rama's life ended up in the Sarayu river; Lord Krishna's city of Duvaraka is considered to have emerged from the sea and drowned in the sea no? Baby Krishna's famous 'Kalinga dance' happened in the Yamuna river no? Goddess Laxmi is also called the 'daughter of waves' (Alai Mahal). So the ocean is so connected with both of them, no? After I understood this truth I made a figurine of Radha and Krishna with the seashells. They are known as the combined forms of feminine and masculine realities of God in Vaishnavism (a sector of Hinduism).

We bought a condo in Scarborough and moved there in 2014. We lived there for around five years. Then we bought a big house with our daughter's family in the city of Pickering and moved there. Our plan is to live separately (one family in the basement and another one in the upper section). We had some struggles during those processes. Finally we bought the house and moved there in November 2019. Within a few days after our move my husband had a weird dream. In that dream, someone came to our house and told me that we have to vacate our house. So I came rushing up the stairs to convey him the message. And when I knocked on the door he opened it with an anxious heart. But when he opened the door there was his mother standing instead of me. He was crying in his mother's arms. That was the end of the dream. When he told us about the dream we didn't understand the meaning of it. Because of the happy ending of the dream (the appearance of my mother-in-law) we didn't bother about it too much. However I had a similar dream in a few days. In the dream my daughter and I were making something in the kitchen and some water got spilled on the floor. Instead of wiping it I just kicked the water out. Then a person who was sitting on a small stool in the kitchen was telling us, 'since we're spoiling the house we have to move'. I was begging him to change the decision but he said it's final. When I woke up from the dream I was so upset and scared. Since we had two dreams about eviction I got scared. I was praying to God telling him 'after all those struggles now only we settled down and if we have to evict where can we go' and so on. And then I had another dream. In that dream the sacred Bilva leaves (Lord Shiva's favorite leaves) were falling inside the house through the sunroof. I was a little bit contended after that dream. Even though we bought this house together our plan was to live separately like one family in the main floor and another one in the basement. Daughter said they can live in the basement but my husband said we can live there. Since the basement was not renovated we all lived together until it got renovated. Since there are five rooms on the second floor we decided to let me and my husband move to the basement and two sons also can live in the rooms and I can cook for four of us so that they can come and eat with us or bring their food to their rooms. The basement got renovated and me and my husband moved to the basement. At that time my husband was doing the evening shift (4pm-12am). Since my sons usually bring their food to their rooms I had to stay alone in the basement at night until my husband came from work around 1:15am. At that time my mind started to think about those weird dreams and I was getting scared. Those fears were getting worse as time went by. To avoid those fears I started watching the YouTube videos of the 'Radio Sai'. I was free from those fears once I started watching those videos. That organization was started in 2001 by Baba himself as a channel of the World Space Satellite Radio service. Over the years it has grown into an Internet Radio streaming service offering 24/7 streams to Asia, Africa and America continents in Telugu and other language Discourses and Bhajans. A lot of people shared their Sai experiences on that channel. Through those contacts I got invited to a WhatsApp group called 'Sathya Sai Yugam - 4'. I accepted that invitation and joined the group.

On that group they've posted the audio version of the Tamil translation of the book called Sai Baba: Man of Miracles, written by an Australian called Howard Murphet. I've already read his second book called Sai Baba AVATAR. From the preface of the book I came to know about his first book. I wanted to read that book too, but I had no chance to read it. Now my wish came true after so many years. 

Murphet had read about Shirdi Sai Baba (the previous incarnation) from a book written and published in England. Then he read about him from other books. He felt a deep stir about Shirdi Baba from the first introduction.  

After spending some time in Europe during their expedition around the world, he and his wife decided to stop for a while in India on their way home to Australia. They had two purposes in view. One was to go more deeply into Theosophy by attending the six-months "School of the Wisdom" at the international Headquarters of the Theosophical Society in Adyar, Madras.

Their second purpose was to travel through the country to discover if there was any deeper spiritual dimension in the life of modern India. Was there, they wondered, anything left of the mysterious India described in the pages of Paul Brunton, Yogananda, Kipling, Madame Blavatsky, Colonel H.S. Olcott and other writers? Would it be possible to find somewhere, in an ashram or jungle hermitage, a great Yogi of supernormal powers who knew the secrets of life and death? They thought that about a year should suffice for that program. 

The Theosophy School was enjoyable and it prepared them for their upcoming exploration. Their search took them to several ashrams throughout the length of India. They met hermits and ascetics in their caves in the Himalayas. 

They first heard the name Satya Sai Baba from a wandering yogi. He had not himself met this holy man, nor been to his ashram at a village called Puttaparthi. This, as heard, was a difficult place to reach, being in the wilds of the interior: one had to do the last part of the journey by bullock cart or on foot over rough tracks. Still, the Swami was no doubt worth the effort, the yogi thought, since Murphet was interested in miracles. He was known to have siddhis (powers), to be a great miracle-worker.

"What kind of miracle"? Murphet asked.

"Well, it's said that he can, for instance, produce objects from nowhere."

Later, when he heard that his followers regarded him as a reincarnation of Shirdi Sai Baba his desire to meet Baba became even stronger. But the bullock-cart safari into the interior of south India would have to wait a little while. On their return, they decided to recuperate for a time in the tranquil tree-filled Theosophical Estate.

One day several months after their return, a young pale-faced woman wearing the ochre-robe of a monk came on a visit to the Theosophical Headquarters. She was introduced as Nirmalananda. She was an American. Nirmalananda was the Hindu name given to her by Swami Sivananda when he initiated her into monastic life. After he had died she left his ashram and became a follower of Satya Sai Baba. At Puttaparthi she had witnessed many wonderful miracles. Now Sai Baba was on a visit to Madras and she was one of a small party of disciples he had brought with him.

That seemed to be a golden opportunity for Murphet. Since his wife Iris was not feeling well enough Nirmalananda conducted him to the place where Sai Baba was staying. That was the home of Mr. G. Venkateshwara Rao, a mica magnate who was also a devotee of Sai Baba. The lawns and pathways in front of the house were covered with people sitting.

Nirmalananda led Murphet through the crowd to the front verandah and there introduced him to an American named Bob Raymer. He took Murphet into a small sitting-room and left him there. In the room were only two Indian men, both standing and apparently waiting for someone. Murphet also stood waiting. Nirmalananda had already gone off somewhere.

After a few minutes the door from the interior of the house opened and there entered a man the like of whom Murphet has never seen before nor since. That man was slight and short. He wore a red silk robe that fell in a straight line from shoulders to feet. His hair stood up from his head in a big circular mop, jet black, crinkly. His skin was light brown. His eyes were dark, soft and luminous, and his face beamed with some inner joy. Since Murphet had never seen a photograph of Sai Baba he was wondering could this be Sai Baba? Baba walked swiftly across the carpet towards him and asked, "Are you the man from Australia?". He said "Yes". Then Baba went to the Indians and began talking to them in Telugu. Then Baba waved his hand in the air, palm downwards in small circles. When he turned the palm up it was full of fluffy ash, and he divided this among the two men. One of them could not contain his feelings; he began to sob. Sai Baba patted him on the shoulders and back, and spoke to him soothingly like a mother. Later only Murphet had heard that Baba had cured that man's son of some terrible disease.

After a while Baba turned to Murphet again. Standing close in front of him, Baba began circling his hand again. This time Murphet noticed Baba pulled his loose-fitting sleeve almost up to the elbow. Much later Murphet learned the reason for this. In his mind was the suspicion that Baba might be bringing the ash out of his sleeve. Baba has no difficulty in reading minds, he said. 

When the mound of powdery ash appeared suddenly in his palm, Baba tipped it into Murphet's palm. For a moment he stood there wondering what to do with it. Then a voice to his left said, "Eat it, it's good for your health." This was Bob Raymer who had just returned to the room. Actually Murphet had never expected to eat ash and enjoy it, but it was fragrant and pleasant to the taste he wrote.

Murphet also mentioned that apart from his miraculous abilities, Sai Baba had a powerful effect. He seemed to lift everyone up to some high level where there were no more worries. They became larger than life, and the usual difficulties and conflicts of the mundane world were far off, unreal. He mentioned that there seemed to be an aura of happiness around themselves. Iris mentioned that she could not stop smiling for hours after Baba had talked to her. 

He went to Puttaparthi and did a lot of research on Baba's miracles and finally himself and his wife got convinced on Baba's divinity. At one point Murphet's wife Iris had a chance to iron Baba's robe. Then they checked his robe to make sure there were no pockets on his robe. He had mentioned lots and lots of Baba's miracles in that book. Some miracles are witnessed by Murphet himself. He interviewed a lot of people also. Murphet also had a chance to witness two great miracles Baba used to do on the Sivaratri nights (the great night for lord Shiva when people do worship on Shiva the whole night without sleep). First one: The viboothi abishekam (pouring the holy ash on something) to the statue of Shirdi Baba from an empty pot by Baba. Second one: The Lingothbavam (producing the lingam - a symbol of lord Shiva) from Baba's mouth.

Once I started to listen to that Tamil audio version my belief in Baba's divinity got stronger and stronger. I was aware of the slander made about Baba on the internet. Because of the weakness of the human mind, my mind also wavered a little. But later on we heard that one of the religious denominations who brainwash other people's beliefs only made that slander about Baba.