I don't remember exactly when I was first introduced to God. Since I was born into a
Hindu family, there was a custom of singing Thevarams (hymns of Gods) in the shrine room
on Fridays. Even though at the beginning it was done for the sake of my parents, little by little
I started to concentrate on God. On other days also we would pray to God in the shrine room
mornings and six o'clock in the evenings after washing our faces. We would also pray before
eating our lunch. I remember when I prayed to God sometimes I asked him to save us from
the thunderstorms etc. Maybe my parents have taught me that I can ask God's help in
matters we can't control. I can still remember once my PT teacher had told me that in order
to participate in some sports I needed my running shorts. So I hurried home to check whether
I still had my old running shorts, all the while praying to God for that. I found those shorts with
my other clothes but I don't remember thanking God for that. This is how my interactions with
God had started.
Once when I was little I overheard adults talking about a prominent figure (possibly a principal) who suffered from a stroke and was unable to do anything for himself. I felt sad for him. So I decided to pray for his recovery whenever I pray at night. From then on I started praying to God for anyone if I found out that they were sick. The adults might have noticed that I prayed for a longer time than others. I didn't know that. Once my oldest brother asked me nicely, "why do you take so long to pray?" I innocently told him the truth. He might have told everyone, because one day a girl studying in my school came and asked me, "you pray for everyone?" I said "yes". Then she said, "you must be a Christian". I didn't understand what she meant by that. I later understood what she meant. That girl was a Christian.
We don't go to temples regularly. As one Tamil saying goes 'everything is in our mind' so we do our prayers mostly at home. I remember sometimes when my mother would want to go to the temple, my father would jokingly say "I'll lay down and you circle me and pray". But whenever we do go to the temple (mostly for my grandfather's death anniversary called Thivasam), my father would pray wholeheartedly by prostrating on the floor and so on. The only person who used to go to the temple regularly was my second big brother. He used to go every Friday. Next to him was my second big sister. She would go during festival days. She would also fast on the holy days and then go to the temple. I wasn't able to do fasting. I found it too hard to stay hungry. People made fun of me for not being able to fast. So I started to fast. There's a fasting called Kantha Shashti for Lord Muruga which comes in November. This consisted of six days of fasting. We can eat only once for five days and on the last day we have to fast for the whole day. I did that fasting and went to the temple on the last day of fasting and I vividly remember, when I prostrated on the floor I felt like my whole self (body, mind and spirit) was doing that!
When I was younger I heard people talking about 'Naerththi Kadan'. I later learned that this means we ask something from God and in return we do something (like breaking coconuts in the temple or donating to the temple) to God if we get what we asked for. It is like making a deal with God. I didn't understand it at that time. If I wanted anything I used to ask him/her directly just the way I ask my parents. But after I grew up, in order to pass an exam I made a deal with Goddess Sarasvati (goddess of learning) that if I pass that exam I'll fast for the nine days of Navratri (the nine day celebrations for three goddesses). I passed the exam but I never fulfilled my end of the deal.
In Sri Lanka, until grade ten we usually study in one school. For grade eleven and twelve we go to another school. It depends on the school. Some schools have grade eleven and twelve with former grades too. We have a public exam in grade twelve. If we get enough marks in that exam we can go to the university. Or else we try other means like clerical etc. We also have religion as a subject until grade ten. The Hindu children go to one class to study Hinduism. Since the majority of the children were Hindus we usually just stay in the same classroom. The Christian children go to their prayer room to study Christianity and the Muslim children go to another class to study Islam. Hinduism was also one of my favorite subjects apart from Tamil language, History etc. I really enjoyed the theological study of Hinduism (Saiva Siddhanta).
In religion class I learned a particular song that starts with the five letter mantra in Tamil Sivayanama (சிவாயநம). After I came home that day I asked my eldest brother about that song and he said "if we recite that mantra continuously we will always be out of danger". So I started reciting it in my mind continuously. I wanted to save the mantra while I was sleeping. So I came up with a creative idea. When I went to sleep I chose five things that were visible to me while laying down and I ‘imaginarily’ saved the mantra on those and went to bed.
When I was young I had a hard time eating non-vegetarian foods like fish or meat. While we were eating on the dining table mother tried to serve me fish curry and I used to run with my plate. But mother caught me and served it on my plate. I found it difficult to eat. When I forced myself to eat it I couldn't swallow it. But my other siblings seemed to like eating it. So I was thinking why I was the only person who had a hard time eating it and I came to a decision that I myself was a divine child and that is probably why I didn’t like eating meat. In that innocent age (we used to think that our father was Lord Shiva and our mother was Goddess Uma) I don't think it's bad to think that way. As children we come to creative conclusions to fit our experiences.
When I was little I had nightmares very often. In those nightmares ghosts surrounded our house and asked for me and my mother would say that she may hand me over to them. Since I read about the afterlife now sometimes I would remember those nightmares. I studied in psychology that sometimes parents scare small children if they don't do certain things they would hand them over to someone. I asked my mother if she scared me like that. She said she didn't scare me like that.
Some might think that spirituality is only about devotion and why am I talking about afterlife and stuff. I thought the same way until one of my relatives gave me a book about the afterlife. It's a book written by a medium. I remember thinking at that time 'why I should read a medium's book'. But once I started to read it, I was so amazed by it. I realized that if we don't know what happens after death, we're only halfway spiritually.
In Hindu religion I was very interested in the philosophy of it. I always studied about the doctrine called Padhi, Pasu and Paasam. That is, Padhi is God, Pasu is soul and Paasam is the ego which makes the soul get separated from God.
In the public exam called GCE Ordinary Level (an exam in Sri Lanka that happens in grade ten) I got credit marks (65-74%) for religion too with other science subjects like math, chemistry etc. After I came to Canada, while attending a spiritual discourse called 'Satsang' at the Sai Center, a white woman asked me whether I can understand the philosophy called 'Advaitham' because she couldn't understand it and I answered positively. She seemed not to believe what I said. I didn't want to hurt the old woman's feelings by telling her that I studied those things at school. So I kept quiet.
When we were kids there was a family living beside our house and they had three kids aged six, seven and eight. The wife liked to go to the temple very often but the husband was not like that. Whenever she was at the temple she seemed to look soaked in devotion (I remember seeing her whenever I went to the temple with my second elder sister). We have a custom in our country that whenever we hear the temple bell ringing we pray to God and do some kuttus (just like Christians put a cross on their chest we strike with knuckles on our temples - in Tamil we call it kuttu- as a ceremony in worshiping a deity). Most people do it for a brief moment but I remember that particular neighbor woman would do that until the sound of the ringing stopped. She was also so committed to going to the temple that some days she put enough kerosene in the cooker and put the 'pittu' (a kind of Tamil food sometimes we also call it puttu) to be cooked and would go to the temple. Her idea was when the kerosene finished, the cooker would automatically stop. She was that committed.
There was also another family with a similar kind of mother. She was also so religious. She did meditations. Her husband was a businessman. The children were left alone. So I sometimes think about those women and how others commented on their behaviors whenever I think about my spirituality. I question myself if I am like them and so on.
When I was little I remember reading a book where I came across a saying ‘'God created every living being so that they follow their feelings in their day to day dealings but man doesn't follow that. Whenever he starts to follow his feelings or intuition then only will he be successful in his life' and so on. I liked reading those kinds of books and would want to follow whatever advice they gave me. I remembered that I wanted to be a good girl all the time. But as I got older and started to study Darwin's ‘Theory of Evolution' in science I started to wonder if there really was a God or is it just like the scientists say (that the universe started by accident). Now when my son says that he's an atheist I can relate it to myself since I too passed a similar phase.
We went to the temples mostly on Fridays when I was younger. Since Fridays are considered holy days for Hindus, a lot of people come to the temple on Fridays. One day an astrologer told us that there's a defect in the position of the planet Saturn and how it would affect my father (According to astrology five planets which are closer to Earth; Mars, Jupiter, Saturn, Mercury and Venus combined with the Sun and Moon can affect the people living on Earth). As a remedy he told us that either my father or my mother can do a fasting and go to temple on Saturdays and do a special kind of worship to the Demi God Saturn. Since my father was not interested in doing that, my mother started doing it. I went with my mother to the temple on Saturdays. Then only I noticed that only a few people come to the temple on Saturdays and that I can worship God without any disturbances as such. Since then I liked to go to temples on Saturdays. People always say that going to temples on holy days is better. But I felt differently. Since during the so-called holy days the temples were filled with people. We would come across at least one or two people we knew. Then there were social etiquettes like saying hello and so on. But on other days like Saturdays the temple was so quiet we could worship God peacefully.
In Hindu philosophy I learned about how desires lead people to distress and so on. It was speaking about three kinds of desires mainly. The first one is the desire to obtain land. That's called 'Mannasai' in Tamil. மண்ணாசை. ‘Mann’ means earth or land in Tamil. ‘Asai’ means desire. Hence the name. Next one is the desire for gold. That is 'Ponnasai'. பொன்னாசை. ‘Ponn’ is gold. Last one is 'Pennasai'. பெண்ணாசை. ‘Penn’ means woman in Tamil. That is exclusively for men. In that philosophy it said that, 'If we leave out these three main desires, our lives would be happier.’ I was contemplating on that philosophy and decided to follow it. I thought 'since I'm a girl, I don't have to worry about the last one and if I leave out the first two desires then it would be ok'. The first one was not a problem since I was a child. The second one was successful early on but later became an issue. I didn't have any issues about not wearing gold jewelry when I was a small girl even though wearing gold jewelry is part of our culture. Maybe because of security reasons or jewelry not being allowed in schools, we were limited to earrings and rings at home when we were little. As I got older the problem started when I went to the temple. We used to wear our traditional dresses like long skirts and blouses or sarees when we go to temples. With those dresses gold jewelries like gold chains (necklace) and bangles (bracelets) are a must. So when I refused to wear the big jewelry like chains and bangles, problems started. I still remember one of our neighbor women came to my house (because my mother asked her to) and begged me to wear one or two pieces of jewelry and I listened. Since then it has been an issue. Since I wasn’t able to explain the philosophy to them I told everyone at home that I don't like wearing jewelry. Still it was a big issue at home. I told them that I can wear jewelry that is not gold so they learned to put up with my demands. But after I got married my mother-in-law told me to wear gold jewelry and I obeyed her. When my mother heard about this she said sarcastically "oh now you wear them but when we asked you didn't listen".
When I was a kid, one of our neighbors had some relatives come over. As a friendly gesture my mother wanted to share a special dish with them. She wanted me to bring the dish to them. So I brought it to their home. Those neighbors were Christians and so were their relatives. When I went there to give them the dish one woman started to make fun of our Hindu religious hymns (Thevaram). The others also followed her in making fun of other Hindu thevarams. I was only eight or nine years old and they were all grown ups. I didn't know how to react in that situation. We were taught to respect others, especially people older than us. So I didn't say anything. But I felt so bad. Now, when I think about that incident I can't avoid thinking about how small-minded those people must have been. I didn't know what kind of spiritual growth they gained by it. But one thing was certain; I felt so strong to be in my religion.
I also remember on Fridays when we used to sing hymns in the shrine room, one particular song has a verse that says to let other religions vanish. I stopped singing that verse and then continued with the song. Maybe someone noticed it or I mentioned it to someone, everyone came to know what I felt about that verse. I remembered there was a discussion about that hymn at our home. Eventually that hymn dropped off from the list of the songs we sang. I don't remember which incident happened first. Maybe the previous incident made me want to respect other religions too.
I started reading a variety of books during my childhood. Story books, religious books and books about life lessons. The 'Bhagavad Gita" was a book that I would read whenever I needed to lift my mood (A prominent book in Hinduism which consists of supposed counsel given to Prince Arjuna by Lord Krishna about our duties in this world). Once it so happened that I got scolded by my mother for something and I started to read the Bhagavad Gita. One of my sisters went and told my mother about it and my mother called me and asked "what went wrong now for you to read the Bhagavad Gita?" This habit continued even after I went to the university. There was a Hindu temple called Kurinchi Kumaran kovil on the university campus. There was a library beside the temple. I found a Tamil book called 'Karma Kanda'. Karma means action in Sanskrit. It explained how to behave in every situation. Even as a child whenever I read these kinds of books I wanted to follow the guidelines so when I read the Karma Kanda book I wanted to follow the guidelines and I did follow to a certain extent.
In Hindu culture chastity and virtuousness is often prescribed for women. In the scriptures and other Hindu texts it is said that the women gain spiritual powers by practicing these virtues. I remember reading in the books about a woman called Savitri who was able to see the lord of death Yama in person, when he came to get her husband's soul, her powers allowed her to fight for her husband's life and she won. Another story was about the wife of the ancient Tamil poet Thiruvalluvar called Vasuki who tried to draw water from a well and in the middle of doing it her husband called her so she ordered the rope and the bucket to stay in the same place and attended to her husband's needs. When she came back the bucket with the water remained in the same place. These kinds of stories inspired me when I was little and I wanted to be like these women. But as I grew up I started to read Tamil magazines like 'Ananda Vikatan' from India and learnt about feminism and became attracted by those ideas. So there are two women inside me. One is like Vasuki and Savitri. The other one is a feminist. I guess I’m in the middle.
In the 1970s we started hearing news about a man called Saibaba who does miracles. When we first heard about these miracles I remember looking at my father’s reaction. My father said, "It might be a Siththu Vilaiyaattu ''. In Hinduism when an aspirant climbs on a spiritual ladder (he/she is earnestly practicing the methods of spiritual development) they might get some kind of powers. Those powers are categorized as the 'Attamaa sithi' (eight great powers). When an aspirant shows these kinds of powers people say they indulge in Sithu vilayattu (vilaiyaatu means games in Tamil).
My father was a devotee of a sage called Yogar swamigal who once lived in the northern part of Sri Lanka. Maybe for him Saibaba's miracles seemed to be a 'siththu vilaiyattu' or maybe it wasn't time for him to believe in Baba...I don't know. But when he made that comment I put Baba's matter aside without knowing what ‘sithu vilayattu’ means. A lot of our neighbors were doing Sai bhajans and we would not go. Maybe our family didn’t have the good fortune that time. My second big brother used to go to those bhajans. He was the only person from our family who believed in Baba that time.
After I came to Canada, my husband, our five year old daughter and myself went to the Sai bhajan center by bus and metro on Sundays (I started to believe in Baba before coming to Canada). In those bhajans I heard the same songs I heard in our neighborhood. I got emotional thinking 'once it was happening beside us in the walking distance but we didn't go. And now we have to travel all the way during the cold and snowy winter to hear the same songs'. My daughter was wiping my tears saying, "don't cry mommy don't cry".
My second big brother used to tell me about Baba's glories, especially Shirdi Baba's (previous incarnation) glories. “For a devotee Shirdi Baba came in person to grace him” he said. At that time I didn't give much attention to that. I think it wasn't my time to believe in Baba.
When I was in the university hostel there was a girl named Nalayini. She was a Sai devotee. She gave me a book about Saibaba. In that book Baba said a lot of spiritual things like we need a name and a form to pray to God with. It can be Krishna or Christ, he said. He didn't mention anything like "pray to me" or anything. Even after reading that book I felt like he's one of the venerable religious persons but not as God. It wasn't my time yet. Thank god I started to believe in his divinity before coming to Canada. How I started to believe him is a big story.
When I was living in Sri Lanka myself and my daughter used to come to Colombo from Batticaloa for immigration purposes. Since my father was an accountant in the ministry of highways he and my mother were living temporarily at a circuit bungalow. So whenever we came to Colombo we stayed at the circuit bungalow. Only one room was allocated for my father but if there's no one in the other room we used that room too. There were a lot of books and magazines in that room. All the books were ours. Books were the only entertainment we had there. I almost read all the books except one. It was a book about Baba (Sai Baba AVATAR) written by an Australian called Howard Murphet. That book belongs to my second brother in law. He was also a believer. Even if I couldn't find anything to read I would not take that book. I guess it wasn't time yet.
At that time my husband didn't have permanent residence status in Canada. So he tried to sponsor us through something called a 'special ministry permit'. We faced an interview at the Canadian embassy and were waiting for the results. After a few weeks the Canadian embassy sent a letter telling us that since we didn't have any problems in Sri Lanka we can wait until my husband gets his status in Canada to sponsor us. I was so upset and went to the other room and laid down on the bed. My hands grabbed the Avatar book unconsciously. Once I started to read it. I was in awe to learn how many miracles Saibaba had done. I remember studying in Hinduism if the spiritually inclined person uses his power (the siththi) to do something he loses it. Then he has to do penance to regain it. But Baba was doing miracles since childhood and he was still doing it. He didn't seem to be losing his powers. Also he didn't go to a forest to do penance or anything. Then only I realized that he had divine powers. There was a big transformation happening inside me.
Then only I realized it was a Thursday. Thursdays are considered holy days for Baba devotees. I thought Baba had chosen that day to attract me. I got fully attracted to Baba. We knew that Thursdays are holy days for Baba through my Sai devoted aunt from my mother's side. My aunt was a staunch devotee, she believed that any good thing happened to her on Thursdays only. Hindus usually eat only vegetarian foods on Fridays because it's a holy day for us. But aunt would be strictly vegetarian on Thursdays but not necessarily on Fridays or so. I remember we were being judgmental about it. Now sometimes I'm doing the same.
The next day of reading Howard Murphet's book on Baba I wanted to buy a picture of Baba.
So I went to the stores. When I was walking on the street I came across a small boutique
kind of store. I went inside. That boutique was only for Baba's pictures. I didn't know that
Singhalese people also became Baba devotees until then. So I bought a picture of Baba
and returned to the circuit bungalow room. My mother used a shelf as a shrine and put some
of the Hindu God's pictures she cut from the calendars. I wasn't sure whether my father would
like it if I put Baba's picture on it. So I put Baba's picture in such a way that my father could not
see it. I knew my mother started to believe in Baba previously. So I told my mother about it.
Next week two of my sisters came to Colombo for some reason. When they tried to light the
lamp in front of the God's pictures one of the cardboard pictures fell on the fire and burnt slightly.
Sisters were worried that our mother might think it was a bad omen or something. So they moved
that picture to the back and put Baba's picture on that place. I didn't know that. Next day I saw
Baba's picture in the front. I kept quiet. Then only I came to know what really happened. Thank
God my father didn't say anything in that regard.
Since it was hard to manage in a single room with my five year old daughter I decided to go back
to Batticaloa and wait until my husband gets landed immigrant status in Canada. My daughter
and I traveled by train to Batticaloa. When we reached our house in Batticaloa I took a shower
and went to the shrine to pray. But I couldn't pray to the pictures of the deities without Baba's
picture. All the pictures were either on a table leaning on the wall or hanging on the wall. Usually
I concentrate on lord Shiva's picture or lord Muruga's picture. But this time I couldn't. For me
those pictures looked like a body without a soul. I knew my second big brother had a picture of
Baba somewhere there. I was looking for it and found it behind one of the other pictures. It was
a tiny picture glued on cardboard. I put it in front of the other pictures on the table and suddenly
all those pictures looked lively to me.
I had had some other spiritual experiences even before this. One experience happened when I
was nearly 20 years of age and before going to the university. We moved back to Batticaloa from
Bandarawela (a city in the southern central part) because of my father's work. Someone gave my
father a Tamil book called 'Kailayam Kanden'. It's about a pilgrimage to mount Kailash. Mount
Kailash in the Himalayan range is considered sacred to Hindus. We consider it the abode of Lord
Shiva. We have other pilgrimage places too like Kashi (Varanasi), Rameswaram etc. To these
places we can travel by normal means like trains or buses. But traveling to Kailash was not that
easy, especially in those days. One of the sages traveled to Kailash with a group of people and
wrote his experiences in a book with photos. In Tamil, Kailash is called Kailayam and 'kanden'
means 'I have seen'. Hence the title. I started to read that book. While reading it I felt like I was
also traveling with them. I read all the struggles they had on their way. There's also a holy lake
called 'Manasarovar' near Mount Kailash. When they had a dip into that cold water I felt myself
also dipped in the holy Manasarovar lake. When they finally reached the abode of Shiva I was
in an ecstatic state feeling I was there too.
I had had another similar experience too. Someone had told my mother that there was going to
be a temple being built in India and if we write the mantra 'Sri Ram Jaya Ram Jaya Jaya Ram'
108 times and send it to them they could put those papers on the foundation of the temple
which could be beneficial for us or something. Mother wanted us to write the mantra 108 times.
So we started to write it. One afternoon I was sitting at a table in the garage and was writing
the mantra. The garage door was open. Since we didn't have any cars we used the garage for
other purposes like studying or the like. Suddenly a snake slithered fast inside the garage
through the opened door and whether it tried to climb on the wall and fell or something, it looked
like it was jumping on the wall. And then it glided through the other door into our backyard and
disappeared. I was dumbstruck by the sudden event. Since I was alone at that time I didn't know
what to make of it. Later on when I told someone about this incident he said it is definitely a
spiritual experience. He said since I was writing Lord Vishnu's mantra he came to bless me.
Snakes have been associated with Hinduism since ancient times. Lord Shiva is always depicted
with a cobra around his neck and Lord Vishnu is considered lying down on a serpent called
'Adisesha' in the ocean of milk.
I had had an experience surpassing all these experiences. It also happened in the same garage.
One day in the twilight I was sitting at the same spot, maybe reading a book or something.
Suddenly a thought appeared in my head asking myself, "who am I and what am I doing here".
I was petrified by the question. I didn't know what to do with that question. I got up and left the
place at once. For a twenty something years old girl a question like that is frightening no? When
I'm thinking about it now I felt it's a spiritual experience but at that age no wonder I felt that way.
I remember to avoid being alone after that incident. I also thought of myself as crazy or
something.
