Part Two

I think I can divide my spiritual journey into two parts as before coming to Canada and after

coming to Canada. First I thought of dividing it like before I became a Sai devotee and after I

became one. But I've already written about how I became a Sai devotee. So I changed my

mind. But I became a Sai devotee before coming to Canada. That is also his grace (We have

a saying in Tamil that even to pray to God we need God's grace. Otherwise we can't do it). I

used to think that Baba thought of making me a Sai devotee before I came to Canada or else

I would be suffering or something. When I studied Early Childhood Education in a college in

Montreal I had a course named 'Interpersonal Skills'. In that course we studied about the

Individualistic societies and Collectivist societies. Individualistic societies are those that prioritize

the needs of an individual over the needs of the group they belong to whereas collectivist

societies prioritize the needs of the groups over the needs of the individuals of those groups. The

US, Western Europe and Australia are examples of individualistic societies. Countries such as

Portugal, Mexico and Turkey are examples of collectivist societies. Of course the Indian and

Srilankan cultures are collectivistic cultures. Everyone's thoughts have an effect on the vibrations

surrounding those societies and create a combined effect. Those vibrations can affect people's

mind living in that society. The vibrations in the Eastern countries like Sri Lanka or India are not

the same as the vibrations in the Western countries. Maybe it's because of the thoughts of the

people in those countries I don't know. I felt it in my experience. When I lived in India I had the

same problems as I had in Canada in the later years. But somehow I had the mental strength to

tolerate the difficulties when I was in India than I was in Canada. I also have other experiences with

the vibrations. Once I remember going into a school building to give my daughter her lunch bag

during lunch hour. All the children were in the dining room. When I returned from the school buildingI felt something like academic vibrations in me. I don't know how to explain it. Once me and my

husband went to the Sai Baba bhajan center in Montreal. It was within a few months of me and my

daughter coming to Canada. I was homesick and depressed. It was like mental agony. Once we

entered the building we went to the basement to leave our shoes and jackets. There was a picture of

Baba with a smiling face hanging on the wall. I was praying to him in my mind while I was passing it.

After we left the shoes and came to the bajan hall my mind was cleared and I felt peace in my mind.

Actually the spiritual vibrations in that building and Baba's grace cleared my mind. There's some truth

about the vibrations. If a society is individualistic rather than collectivistic then the vibrations in that

society can affect in a negative way a person coming from a collectivistic society I think. I often think

this is why Baba made me a Sai devotee before I came to Canada so that I have something to hold on

to whenever I have difficulties. Even though I heard about Baba in the seventies I started to

believe in his divinity only in the early nineties. That was just one year before coming to Canada. If

I had believed in his divinity when we were living in India I would have dragged my husband with

me to see Baba. Even though we lived in the sacred land for three years I didn't see my Lord.

Even though I became a Sai devotee before coming to Canada I think I didn't accept him fully. Once, my favorite singer from India (P. Susheela) came to Canada. We went to her concert. They were selling audio cassettes of Baba bhajans sung by her there. I bought a cassette and got her signed. Next day I was listening to those bajans in the Walkman my husband had gifted me and was folding the clothes. As is customary the bajans had started with lord Ganesha. Then lord Shiva, lord Muruga and lord Krishna's songs went on. All those songs had ended with Baba's name in the last verse. But one particular song started like 'prashanthi nilaya sunthara...'. That means 'The charming person who resides in the Prashanthi Nilayam'. Baba's residence in his hometown is called the Prashanthi Nilayam (prashanthi means highest peace and nilayam means house. So the meaning of his residence is 'home for highest peace'). The songs which had Baba's name at the end were acceptable for me but not the full song about him alone. Also the cassette wasn't full. Only three fourths of the tape had songs on it. That also reduced my interest in it. So, I put it on the top shelf and forgot about it. After that a lot of miracles happened in my life because of his grace (I had written a letter to Baba about my problems and it got solved in a most unexpected way). One day after that I happened to listen to that cassette and when I heard the same song (Prashanthi nilaya sunthara...) I broke into tears thinking 'Oh my God, one half of myself is over there. What am I going to do?'. I sat on the floor and was crying and crying. The same song that I didn't want to listen to before made me cry at that moment. I think after his miracles happened in my life only I was ready to accept him fully.

We used to go to a bajan center conducted by a French family every Sunday. My sister-in-law got married then. Her groom came from France. He was also a Sai devotee. Actually he was a staunch Sai Devotee. After the wedding celebrations finished he had started a bajan center in his house for the Tamil people. It was the first Tamil bajan center in Montreal. Apparently he had started two bajan centers for Tamils in France. Actually I didn't know anything about the Sai bajans as I was new to the Sai worship. He gave me a set of old torn papers on which Baba's 108 namavali (prayers on god reciting his various names) were written and asked me to write them down on a new set of papers so that we can recite them at the beginning of the bajan. 108 is considered a sacred number in Hinduism. I wrote them down. Until then I didn't know about namavali. I also didn't know any bhajan songs then. He gave me bajan cassette pieces to listen to and encouraged me to sing bhajan songs. Little by little I also became a professional bajan singer.        

Every Sunday we had bhajans at his house (sister-in-law's house). Relatives, friends and others who wanted to join in the bajans came. Then they (sister-in-law and husband) moved to Toronto. The bajan also moved to another person's house. They wanted to have bajans at their house. People wanted to run bajans in their houses to elevate the sacred vibrations of their houses. Their house was a little farther than my sister-in-law's house. Since we didn't have cars back then, we had to take the bus and the underground train called Metro to go to the bajan. The continuous bajans made me more spiritual and I gave up meat and became a vegetarian again. Actually I was a vegetarian before marriage and started to eat meat after marriage. I continued to be a vegetarian for some time. Since my husband liked to eat meat and our daughter's food is not the same as ours it was very hard to keep my vegetarianism. So my husband changed my mind and I started to eat meat again.

I was pregnant with my second child. I took a bus to go to the bajan every Sunday. Sometimes my husband joined me but sometimes I went alone. Everyone in the bajan center said my child is a blessed one because it can hear the bajans even in mother's womb.

The people whose house where the bajans happened had some problems and they were not able to continue bhajans. So we started to have the bajans at our house at this juncture. Since I didn't want the bajan to stop its continuity I told everyone 'let's have the bajan at our house'. But our house wasn't that big to accommodate everyone coming to the bajan. I was a little concerned about it. I left it to Baba to do whatever he wanted to do. Only a few people came to our bajan. Actually a lot of people came to the previous bajans. That too the grace of God I believe.

We had the bajans at our house for two Sundays. A man who came to the bajans before, came to our house bajans the second Sunday and told us there's a place where we can conduct bhajans freely. We agreed to it. It was in front of the Parc metro station in Montreal. The Tamil association called 'Thamilar Oli' had a hall in that big building. They used to give that hall for other public purposes too. So we started to conduct the bajans there. Since it's not happening in people's houses anymore we needed to form a committee. The person who helped us get the hall became the president of the committee and my husband became the vice president.

The bajans were happening well. We used to make prasadams (eatables we offer in front of god's idols and eat them after our praying session is finished) and bring them to the bajans. There was also another woman who was pregnant, who came to the bajan. She said she couldn't decide what name to give the baby. She knew it was a baby boy from the ultrasound. So she asked Baba to guide her in her mind. Baba came to her in her dreams and told her to give the baby lord Muruga's name. So she named the baby boy after lord Muruga. I got inspired by her and I asked Baba to select a name for my baby boy too. We recite the 108 names (namavali) of Bagavan in the beginning of each bajan session. The first before the last line in that namavali was Sulaba prasannaaya namaha. That means he who appears to a devotee as soon as the devotee asks. One day when I was reciting that verse there was an inner voice said to me to name my child Prasanna. So I named him Prasanna. When I was pregnant with him we found out it's a boy during an ultrasound. I was thinking about his name. Since Baba's childhood name was Sathya I thought of giving him that name also. I also believed in numerology. According to numerology each letter has a different character and it can affect our mind too. The people whose names start with the letter 'S' it says have a tendency of being ambivalent. So I didn't choose that name. But Baba gave him his name as his nickname through someone. 

Bajan sessions were going on very well. I was pregnant with my third child. After some time there were problems conducting the bajans. Sister-in-law and her husband had moved back to Montreal again. They renewed the bajan and conducted it again. So the bajan was happening peacefully thereafter for some time. 

I gave birth to my third child (second son). When I was pregnant with him I felt it's a boy even before they were doing an ultrasound. He was born on Krishna Jayanthi day. Krishna Jayanthi means the birthday of Lord Krishna. We named him one of Lord Krishna's names. 

Sometimes I get spiritual experiences through dreams also. 

My husband was doing the evening shift then. His work hours were 3 to 11 pm. Back then I used to sleep early with my newborn and the two year old on either side of me. Before going to bed I served my husband's food. If I was awake whenever my husband came from work I used to get up or else he ate and went to bed. One particular night while I was sleeping I had a dream: There was a round balcony in the midair and I was falling from it. There was someone on the balcony and I asked for help. That person was telling me I have a lot of ego and he can't help me. Then a mantra (one of lord Shiva's names) came in my mind and when I utter that mantra I went up. Then again I fell. Again when I say that mantra I went very high in the sky. In the continuation of the dream we were in front of the house where we grew up and I was above the roof and still doing the same. I was going up and down using the mantra. My daughter was laughing whenever I went up and down. I woke up from the dream saying that mantra. I was semiconscious. In my mind I was saying that mantra continuously. While I was continuously saying the mantra in my mind I felt something was going from me upwards through my head. I felt a soothing feeling in my mind and a pleasant cold feeling in my body. There's no words to describe the feeling. That blissful feeling cannot be explained. In the Hindu scriptures there's a word called 'perinbam'. That means blissfulness. That is the feeling we get when we are near to God. Similar term in English can be ecstasy. So I thought "is it perinbam?" Since I'm an ardent devotee of lord Shiva, I thought that feeling can be received from the mount Kailash - the abode of lord Shiva. But now I'm thinking of it as a spiritual experience only. I was soaked in that blissful state for some time. Then I heard my husband opening the door. I didn't want to lose that blissful feeling so I didn't get up. Next day I told my husband about the experience. When I was thinking about it the next day only I remembered the previous day my mind was in a very purified state. I think I was ready for that spiritual experience. I heard some people say these kinds of spiritual experiences have to be kept secret and not to be shared. I can't agree with it. Also at that time I didn't know that Baba gave some people spiritual initiation through dreams. Then only I heard about it.

When I was small there was an initiation ceremony for kids in our temple. We planned to go for it. That time our aunt's family was visiting from Jaffna. My aunt has seven children and two girls are bigger than my biggest sister. They like picking on small kids like me. When we were planning to go to the initiation ceremony my two cousins and my two big sisters were making fun of that ceremony saying "the priest would say the mantra secretly into your ears and what the priest was going to say". They were all laughing. I got scared. So I said "I'm not going to the initiation ceremony". I remember studying in the religion class that one saint got initiated by lord Shiva when he was staying at a pilgrimage place without him knowing. While he was sleeping at night one person was sleeping on the side of his head and his feet were touching the saint's head repeatedly. Each time when he told that person to take off his feet, he took his feet off and again he touched his head. It happened so many times and finally that saint got annoyed and got up and scolded that person. Then that person disappeared and lord Shiva appeared in his place and told that saint "You requested me to give you initiation. That's why I came". The saint prostrated before lord Shiva. I said I'm going to get an initiation like that. After I had that dream I thought about that incident too. I thought maybe lord Shiva gave me initiation in my dream. God was pulling me little by little on the spiritual path upwards. Since that mantra came in my dream I understood it was my mantra. Sai devotees already have 'Sairam' as a mantra. So I have two mantras now.

Sai bajan was going well. My daughter also started to sing the bhajan songs. Both my sons (3,1 years) used to run around in the bajan center. The Bala Vikas classes had been started for the small children. I was appointed as a Bala Vikas teacher.

Our relative who was doing the bajans used to give me spiritual books to read. Some of the books were in Tamil and some were in English. One particular book was different. It's called 'Conversations with God'. The author's name was Neale Donald Walsch. He had a habit of writing his difficulties on a notepad. Once, he had problems with his wife and children. Not only that, he also had issues in his work and he had health problems too. Overloaded with problems instead of just writing he thought of writing a letter to God. So he started to write an angry letter to God. After writing he tried to put the pencil away but couldn't. The pencil was as if it was going to write something. So he let the pencil write. He was just holding the pencil and it wrote "Do you really want an answer to all these questions or are you just venting?" He was amazed. He then wrote 'I was actually venting but if I can get answers for the questions it will be amazing'. Hence started the dialog. Walsch felt answers to his questions filling his mind and decided to write them down. The ensuing dialogue became the Conversations with God books. After he finished writing his question and kept the pen or pencil just, then his hand would move without his effort. Until he finished writing he didn't know what was going to be written. It's commonly called 'automatic writing'. Lots of books were being written in this way. 'Patience Worth Series Received by a Midwestern Housewife' and 'The Fascinating New Testament Stories Dictated through Geraldine Cummins' were examples of those kinds of books.

So the conversations started with Neale Donald Walsch went on for weeks and at one point it moved from his private matters to general matters. Everyday he sat with paper and pen at the same time and wrote the questions and then the answers to those questions popped up. Even he didn't know how this was going to end at that time. But at one point God has written to him that these conversations are going to come in three books. He didn't believe it then. But when the manuscript of book one was finished he was instructed to start the publishing works. He reluctantly started doing all the work for publishing, thinking if it's going to be accepted by the public.

The first book (Conversations with God, Book 1: An Uncommon Dialogue) was published in 1995 and became a publishing phenomena, staying on 'The New York Times Best Sellers List for more than two years. Book one was speaking about personal matters while the other two in the trilogy were speaking about global matters and universal matters. We read all three and were so amazed. The answers to those questions were not ordinary ones. So authentic. An ordinary human being can't give such answers. The person who's responsible for this whole creation only can give such answers. Especially that third book (which speaks about the secrets of the universe) was supposed to be in all the houses.

The relative who was conducting the bajans once gave a medium's book called ‘A World Beyond’. He used to give spiritual books but this book was about after death. I thought 'why should I read a book about after death? What spirituality I can get in a book like this'. But once I started to read it only I realized that until we knew about what happens after death we are only half way through in spirituality.

After reading that book I got interested in that subject and started to read those kinds of books. Also since the book 'A World Beyond' looked small, I thought of translating it into Tamil and giving it to those people who can't read English. Even though Hindu religion has everything explained because of the new way of thinking and the scientific revolution made people ignore those scriptures. I want them to know there's life after death. Already we were thinking of translating the CWG books. But since those books were big and the answers from God were a bit tricky to translate I was reluctant to do it. Since the book 'A World Beyond' looked small I thought of translating it but once I started to translate it only I found out how difficult it was. Even though it looked small, the sentences were very big. In the beginning I did the direct translation but it wasn't good language-wise. Then only I read those sentences and tried to write it in simple language. At that time I didn't know about blogging. So I tried to write it neatly so that I can give the manuscript to people who came to bajans. After I finished translating some pages I gave some people a chance to read it. At that time my translation also was not that good; And not many people are interested in what happens after we die. But I continued my translation. Then only I came to know about blogging through that relative. Even at that time I didn't know about transliteration. So I didn't write anything in that blog. The person who opened that blog for me once asked why I didn't do anything in that blog. So once I was researching that blog. Then only I found out that we can easily type in Tamil using the English keyboard by the transliteration method. After that I started to put my translations on that blog. The name of the blog is ananthageetham.blogspot.com. I also started another blog in English called solequest.blogspot.com. On that blog I put whatever verses or sentences that spiritually inspired me.

In Canada we lived in Montreal for eleven years, then moved to Cornwall. We lived there for eleven years and then moved to Toronto. While we were living in Cornwall some of my past lives were revealed to me through dreams. One morning I woke up to someone calling me 'Mumthaazi'. After I gained my consciousness only I realized that I was being called by the name Mumthaazi and I said 'yes' to the call. First I was a little confused. I thought maybe my daughter called me 'amma' and I had heard it wrong. Since my husband had gone for work and my two sons had gone to school at that time it was just me and my daughter who were the only people in the house. So I thought maybe she had called me. So I went to check on her in her room and she was sleeping. I woke her up and asked her whether she had called me. She said "no". So I wondered what happened. Also the name 'Mumthaazi' sounds strange to me. When we studied about one of the seven wonders of the world (Taj Mahal) we learned that Mughal emperor Shah Jahan built a mausoleum for his loving wife Mumtaj. So when I was being called by that name I was so confused. It was not Mumtaj but a weird name 'Mumthaazi'. So I checked the internet. Then only I found out her actual name was not Muntaj but Mumthaazi. I was so shocked. I wondered if it was me who was Mumthaazi in one of my past lives to whom the famous monument called Taj Mahal was being built. My intuition said 'yes'. After that incident when I was thinking about the emperor Shah Jahan's palace I felt that their palace was decorated with purple and gold colors. Also their community was a close community. Also I felt I as a queen helped a lot of people. Maybe those were my imaginations but I answered to someone calling me Mumthaazi. That really happened. I don't know how else to explain that.

Before that, I once had a dream of me being a white man in the 1600 or something. Just like we hire taxis now, those days we were able to hire carts pulled by horses. In that dream I hired a cart like that for my moving. While I was traveling on that cart the driver of the cart tricked me, made me unconscious and abducted me to put tattoos on my chest under my neck. After I woke up from my unconsciousness only I saw the tattoo on my chest. It looked like tulip flowers. Two flowers side by side. The tattoo was not fully done. Two lines were drawn that looked like garlands around my chest and the tulips were in between the lines. Only two tulips were on one side of my chest. I got upset and I was asking people how to erase the tattoo from my body. And then I woke up.

After that my daughter and I went to Kingston for sightseeing. We were walking to certain places with a group of people. At that time I had some leg issues called tendonitis. Since I brought a water bottle in my purse it was a little heavy. So my daughter was asking whether she can carry my purse while we were walking and I said "it's ok I'll carry". After the trip we came home. That night I had a dream: I was a man servant to a famous singer and my daughter was my son (a little boy around ten years). I had to bring some heavy wooden boards from a shed at the frontside of her house to somewhere else. My son felt bad for me and asked whether he can do the work instead of me and I told him "no dear it's my job". Then that singer came outside of the house to go somewhere else. And my dream had ended. Some people interpreted that dream something like: Since I like that singer I had that dream or something. But I didn't have any likes of her before that dream but after that dream I have a fatherly feeling towards her.

My previous births were revealed to me thus. Some people say reincarnation is a hoax. But a lot of Americans are doing research on it. Ian Stevenson was an American psychiatrist. He worked for the University of Virginia School of Medicine for fifty years, as chair of the department of psychiatry from 1957 to 1967, Carlson Professor of psychiatry from 1967 to 2001, and Research Professor of Psychiatry from 2002 until his death. Stevenson became known for his research of reincarnation. Over a period of forty years in international fieldwork, he investigated three thousand cases of children who claimed to remember past lives. He was the author of around three hundred papers and fourteen books on reincarnation, including European Cases of the Reincarnation Type. Another child psychiatrist called Jim Tucker from the same university continued Stevenson's research and wrote a book called Life Before Life: A Scientific Investigation of Children's Memories of Previous Lives. There's another woman called Carol Bowman who became interested in the 'past life' phenomenon by accident. On Independence Day, 1988, five-year-old Chase Bowman became inexplicably terrified by a fireworks display. Over the next few months, his fear of explosive noises intensified. For help, his mother Carol Bowman, turned to a friend who was a hypnotherapist. The hypnotherapist simply put Chase on his mother's lap and asked him to close his eyes and tell what he sees when he hears loud noises. Chase immediately began describing himself as a soldier—an adult soldier—carrying a gun. "I’m standing behind a rock. I’m carrying a long gun with a kind of sword at the end." Chase seemed to be transferred to a battlefield during the Civil War. He also saw a black soldier being shot. When asked about his ethnicity he said he's also black. In his vision, Chase was shot in the wrist and sent to a field hospital. After being bandaged, he was sent back to the front to man a cannon. He said he was then killed during the battle. It appeared that he had a past life during the Civil War. Carol was certain that he could not have known any of these things, as he had never watched or read anything about it. Later, he drew rough sketches of the field hospital and the cannon that he had seen. Civil War historians felt that the drawings were very accurate. Interestingly, he also had eczema on his wrist that went away soon after his hypnotic session. Carol became interested in past life experiences with children and later wrote a book about it called "Children's Past Lives".

My daughter's wedding was held in 2016. One of the two main reasons for our move from

Cornwall to Toronto is to perform our daughter's wedding. Other one is our sons’ studies. Even

though I'm inclined towards spirituality, as a mother and a housewife I try to do my duties well.

Part Three

When we moved to Toronto I couldn't find any jobs at the beginning. My sister was working in a

daycare center in Toronto. She had told me that sometimes they get supply staff from an agency if

there is any one absent, and suggested I try that agency for work. Since I studied Early Childhood

Education in Montreal, I worked in daycare centers before moving to Toronto. So I thought it's a

nice idea to start with. So I applied to that agency and after the formalities I got

hired by that agency. Even though I was a supply staff I got work almost everyday but not at the

same daycare center. Everyday I had to go to different daycare centers. The staff in a daycare

center would not respect the supply staff because we're just temporary staff. Even they can't be

blamed. If there's a new staff in a room, the regular staff would have double the responsibilities -

explaining everything to the new staff as well as taking care of the children. So it's not surprising

that they get frustrated and they take it on the new staff. So I had to put up with a lot of

mistreatments in the daycares I went to. In Montreal and Cornwall I had quitted my jobs because of

the mistreatments of someone or the other. But this time I decided to be patient. The reason was

not just that it was hard to find jobs but there was another reason too. That was kind of spiritual.

Since I was notified about my ego in one of my dreams I thought maybe I was a powerful person in

my previous births. Maybe that's why I chose to be born with less power this time to work on my

ego. So I thought the experiences I got in the daycares can be lessons for me to reduce my ego.

So I was tolerating all those mistreatments and kept on going to work. This is when my nephew's

demise happened. It was a tremendous shock for everyone in the family. It wasn't that easy for us

to cope with the situation.

So I took a week off from work. Next week in order to go to work I tried to accept one shift. It was an eform we were supposed to click. I had the agency's website on my cell phone. So I tried to click on the accepting button on their eform as usual but my finger had clicked on the other button. That means I'm not accepting that shift. My family members who were standing next to me were making fun of me telling me that I purposefully clicked the other button. But I knew that I had genuinely tried to accept that shift. But my finger had pressed the wrong button. It was a surprise for me. It didn't happen before. I usually accept the shifts that way. Then I thought since my late nephew knew my issues with the daycares, he was the one who made my finger touch the other button. So I took more days off until my mind got stronger before I started to work.

After my nephew's demise, just like everyone else in the family I also felt deep misery and sorrow. But since I have a spiritual side I decided to choose the spiritual path. Otherwise the loss is unbearable I thought. Spiritual path doesn't mean going to temple very often. It is deeper than that. My late nephew is guiding me into the spiritual path through dreams and all that. In one of the dreams he made me think that the physical body is just a temporary one and one day it will be destroyed. Because of him we went to the holy city of Varanasi. We took a dip in the holy river Ganges. While we were there I felt like we were a little elevated. Even though the western media and the youngsters told otherwise I felt some divine power when we were there. I felt like I belonged there. It so happened that my parents had to go to India before I was born. My grandfather from my dad's side went to South India. To fulfill his desire of going to the holy places in North India my father flew to India with my mother and took his father to the holy places like Rishikesh, Varanasi etc. My older siblings were left with my grandparents from mom's side. After they returned from India only me and my younger sisters were born. As a joke my father used to tell me that I am the consort of lord Muruga (Valli) from Thiruchendur and so on. Since childhood I have been inclined to be spiritual. I jokingly tell my parents that maybe a sage from Rishikesh was born as me. But when I was in Varanasi I felt like I lived there in one of my previous births or something.

I was very tolerant while I was working as a supply staff in daycare centers. Maybe the universe or some higher power decided to put an end to that. One day I fell unconscious in the washroom and didn't get consciousness for nearly two hours or so. My husband was doing night shifts at that time. So he came home from work in the morning and after taking a shower he ate breakfast, drank tea and went to sleep as usual. I too drank tea and went to the washroom as usual. That's when I fell unconscious. Since my two sons didn't have classes that day they were in their room studying. When I regained consciousness after two hours I found myself on the washroom floor. I managed to get up and as soon as I got up I was nauseated. That sound made my sons come and knock on the washroom door and ask 'are you ok?' I opened the door and told them what happened and told them to wake up dad. Since I was dizzy and nauseated my husband and children took care of me. After that incident I was afraid of going to work. To go to work I had to travel alone to new places using Google maps. When my shift got confirmed I used to get directions from Google maps the previous night. Then by using the subway and buses I traveled to that place. But after that incident I was worried what if I faint while traveling alone to work. So I decided to quit the job. I called that agency and told them that I'm going to quit the job.

But there was one component I didn't tell anybody about that incident (I didn't want anyone to think that I'm crazy). At the beginning I couldn't remember anything. But I tried to recollect my memories. I remembered after drinking my tea I was walking to the washroom and sat on the toilet as usual. When I kept trying to remember more and more about those morning incidents only I remembered when I sat on the toilet I felt some energy in front of me. I felt that it was a kind of energy which can punish the bad and reward the good. The closest description of that energy can be Lady Justice. That's all I was able to remember and then I could remember finding myself on the floor. Now, when I watch the Tamil TV about a Hindu demigod called Saneesvaran, who corresponds to the planet Saturn I can tell the energy I felt in the washroom that day was also similar to him. It can be said that he's equivalent to Lady Justice in manners. 

But this is not the first time I felt like this. Once I felt my late brother's presence while I was working in the brake pads factory. I thought he tried to help me with my issue at the workplace then. Since most of the people don't understand these kinds of subtle intuitions I don't tell anyone about these experiences.

The younger generation from our families, people who think a little revolutionary and of course people from other religions often make fun of the pantheon of our Hindu Gods. Since I'm a devotee of lord Shiva I usually don't bother much about lord Vishnu. Since my nickname is Geetha and also I learnt the essence of the Bagavath Geetha is: 'do your duty and leave the rest to god' at school, I like it very much, which was recited by lord Krishna (one of the incarnations of lord Vishnu). Also I read about lord Rama in a book called 'Sakkaravarthi Thirumakan' (The venerated son of the emperor) written by the former chief minister of Tamil Nadu state, late Rajaji. Lord Rama is also considered one of the incarnations of lord Vishnu. Those were the only connections in-between me and Vaishnavism (one of the Hindu denominations considers Vishnu as the Supreme Being) until I got an insight of lord Vishnu. It happened like this: Once my niece's family took me to Florida when they drove there. One of my sisters lives there. We went to Marco Island. That beach has a bountiful of seashells. People usually pickup seashells when they go there. So my sister gave everyone a shopping bag. There were a lot of seashells. So we picked up a lot of them in our bags for fun. When we returned home I had two bags full of seashells. I didn't know what to do with them. I remembered in Sri Lanka when we went to a beach called Pasikuda, there were people selling figurines made out of seashells. So after I washed them thoroughly I was trying to make something with them. One day while I was figuring out what to do with the seashells I was amazed by the different varieties of seashells and kind of awestruck by the different life forms within the sea. While I was thinking deeply on that matter, suddenly a notion arose in my mind that there's an aspect of Vishnu in the sea. It hit me suddenly and I stood still for a while. Then only I realized what had just happened.             

I was contemplating on it for the next few days. Little by little it dawned on me that Lord Vishnu's and his consort Goddess Laxmi's lives were always connected with the ocean. Lord Vishnu is considered as lying down on a serpent called the 'Adisesha' in the so-called milky ocean. Even Goddess Luxmy Devi is considered to have emerged from the milky ocean when the celestial beings churned the milky ocean. The first two incarnations of lord Vishnu's supposed ten incarnations (Dasavathara) were the fish and the tortoise, no? Both happened in the ocean. Lord Rama's life ended up in the Sarayu river; Lord Krishna's city of Duvaraka is considered to have emerged from the sea and drowned in the sea no? Baby Krishna's famous 'Kalinga dance' happened in the Yamuna river no? Goddess Laxmi is also called the 'daughter of waves' (Alai Mahal). So the ocean is so connected with both of them, no? After I understood this truth I made a figurine of Radha and Krishna with the seashells. They are known as the combined forms of feminine and masculine realities of God in Vaishnavism (a sector of Hinduism).

We bought a condo in Scarborough and moved there in 2014. We lived there for around five years. Then we bought a big house with our daughter's family in the city of Pickering and moved there. Our plan is to live separately (one family in the basement and another one in the upper section). We had some struggles during those processes. Finally we bought the house and moved there in November 2019. Within a few days after our move my husband had a weird dream. In that dream, someone came to our house and told me that we have to vacate our house. So I came rushing up the stairs to convey him the message. And when I knocked on the door he opened it with an anxious heart. But when he opened the door there was his mother standing instead of me. He was crying in his mother's arms. That was the end of the dream. When he told us about the dream we didn't understand the meaning of it. Because of the happy ending of the dream (the appearance of my mother-in-law) we didn't bother about it too much. However I had a similar dream in a few days. In the dream my daughter and I were making something in the kitchen and some water got spilled on the floor. Instead of wiping it I just kicked the water out. Then a person who was sitting on a small stool in the kitchen was telling us, 'since we're spoiling the house we have to move'. I was begging him to change the decision but he said it's final. When I woke up from the dream I was so upset and scared. Since we had two dreams about eviction I got scared. I was praying to God telling him 'after all those struggles now only we settled down and if we have to evict where can we go' and so on. And then I had another dream. In that dream the sacred Bilva leaves (Lord Shiva's favorite leaves) were falling inside the house through the sunroof. I was a little bit contended after that dream. Even though we bought this house together our plan was to live separately like one family in the main floor and another one in the basement. Daughter said they can live in the basement but my husband said we can live there. Since the basement was not renovated we all lived together until it got renovated. Since there are five rooms on the second floor we decided to let me and my husband move to the basement and two sons also can live in the rooms and I can cook for four of us so that they can come and eat with us or bring their food to their rooms. The basement got renovated and me and my husband moved to the basement. At that time my husband was doing the evening shift (4pm-12am). Since my sons usually bring their food to their rooms I had to stay alone in the basement at night until my husband came from work around 1:15am. At that time my mind started to think about those weird dreams and I was getting scared. Those fears were getting worse as time went by. To avoid those fears I started watching the YouTube videos of the 'Radio Sai'. I was free from those fears once I started watching those videos. That organization was started in 2001 by Baba himself as a channel of the World Space Satellite Radio service. Over the years it has grown into an Internet Radio streaming service offering 24/7 streams to Asia, Africa and America continents in Telugu and other language Discourses and Bhajans. A lot of people shared their Sai experiences on that channel. Through those contacts I got invited to a WhatsApp group called 'Sathya Sai Yugam - 4'. I accepted that invitation and joined the group.

On that group they've posted the audio version of the Tamil translation of the book called Sai Baba: Man of Miracles, written by an Australian called Howard Murphet. I've already read his second book called Sai Baba AVATAR. From the preface of the book I came to know about his first book. I wanted to read that book too, but I had no chance to read it. Now my wish came true after so many years. 

Murphet had read about Shirdi Sai Baba (the previous incarnation) from a book written and published in England. Then he read about him from other books. He felt a deep stir about Shirdi Baba from the first introduction.  

After spending some time in Europe during their expedition around the world, he and his wife decided to stop for a while in India on their way home to Australia. They had two purposes in view. One was to go more deeply into Theosophy by attending the six-months "School of the Wisdom" at the international Headquarters of the Theosophical Society in Adyar, Madras.

Their second purpose was to travel through the country to discover if there was any deeper spiritual dimension in the life of modern India. Was there, they wondered, anything left of the mysterious India described in the pages of Paul Brunton, Yogananda, Kipling, Madame Blavatsky, Colonel H.S. Olcott and other writers? Would it be possible to find somewhere, in an ashram or jungle hermitage, a great Yogi of supernormal powers who knew the secrets of life and death? They thought that about a year should suffice for that program. 

The Theosophy School was enjoyable and it prepared them for their upcoming exploration. Their search took them to several ashrams throughout the length of India. They met hermits and ascetics in their caves in the Himalayas. 

They first heard the name Satya Sai Baba from a wandering yogi. He had not himself met this holy man, nor been to his ashram at a village called Puttaparthi. This, as heard, was a difficult place to reach, being in the wilds of the interior: one had to do the last part of the journey by bullock cart or on foot over rough tracks. Still, the Swami was no doubt worth the effort, the yogi thought, since Murphet was interested in miracles. He was known to have siddhis (powers), to be a great miracle-worker.

"What kind of miracle"? Murphet asked.

"Well, it's said that he can, for instance, produce objects from nowhere."

Later, when he heard that his followers regarded him as a reincarnation of Shirdi Sai Baba his desire to meet Baba became even stronger. But the bullock-cart safari into the interior of south India would have to wait a little while. On their return, they decided to recuperate for a time in the tranquil tree-filled Theosophical Estate.

One day several months after their return, a young pale-faced woman wearing the ochre-robe of a monk came on a visit to the Theosophical Headquarters. She was introduced as Nirmalananda. She was an American. Nirmalananda was the Hindu name given to her by Swami Sivananda when he initiated her into monastic life. After he had died she left his ashram and became a follower of Satya Sai Baba. At Puttaparthi she had witnessed many wonderful miracles. Now Sai Baba was on a visit to Madras and she was one of a small party of disciples he had brought with him.

That seemed to be a golden opportunity for Murphet. Since his wife Iris was not feeling well enough Nirmalananda conducted him to the place where Sai Baba was staying. That was the home of Mr. G. Venkateshwara Rao, a mica magnate who was also a devotee of Sai Baba. The lawns and pathways in front of the house were covered with people sitting.

Nirmalananda led Murphet through the crowd to the front verandah and there introduced him to an American named Bob Raymer. He took Murphet into a small sitting-room and left him there. In the room were only two Indian men, both standing and apparently waiting for someone. Murphet also stood waiting. Nirmalananda had already gone off somewhere.

After a few minutes the door from the interior of the house opened and there entered a man the like of whom Murphet has never seen before nor since. That man was slight and short. He wore a red silk robe that fell in a straight line from shoulders to feet. His hair stood up from his head in a big circular mop, jet black, crinkly. His skin was light brown. His eyes were dark, soft and luminous, and his face beamed with some inner joy. Since Murphet had never seen a photograph of Sai Baba he was wondering could this be Sai Baba? Baba walked swiftly across the carpet towards him and asked, "Are you the man from Australia?". He said "Yes". Then Baba went to the Indians and began talking to them in Telugu. Then Baba waved his hand in the air, palm downwards in small circles. When he turned the palm up it was full of fluffy ash, and he divided this among the two men. One of them could not contain his feelings; he began to sob. Sai Baba patted him on the shoulders and back, and spoke to him soothingly like a mother. Later only Murphet had heard that Baba had cured that man's son of some terrible disease.

After a while Baba turned to Murphet again. Standing close in front of him, Baba began circling his hand again. This time Murphet noticed Baba pulled his loose-fitting sleeve almost up to the elbow. Much later Murphet learned the reason for this. In his mind was the suspicion that Baba might be bringing the ash out of his sleeve. Baba has no difficulty in reading minds, he said. 

When the mound of powdery ash appeared suddenly in his palm, Baba tipped it into Murphet's palm. For a moment he stood there wondering what to do with it. Then a voice to his left said, "Eat it, it's good for your health." This was Bob Raymer who had just returned to the room. Actually Murphet had never expected to eat ash and enjoy it, but it was fragrant and pleasant to the taste he wrote.

Murphet also mentioned that apart from his miraculous abilities, Sai Baba had a powerful effect. He seemed to lift everyone up to some high level where there were no more worries. They became larger than life, and the usual difficulties and conflicts of the mundane world were far off, unreal. He mentioned that there seemed to be an aura of happiness around themselves. Iris mentioned that she could not stop smiling for hours after Baba had talked to her. 

He went to Puttaparthi and did a lot of research on Baba's miracles and finally himself and his wife got convinced on Baba's divinity. At one point Murphet's wife Iris had a chance to iron Baba's robe. Then they checked his robe to make sure there were no pockets on his robe. He had mentioned lots and lots of Baba's miracles in that book. Some miracles are witnessed by Murphet himself. He interviewed a lot of people also. Murphet also had a chance to witness two great miracles Baba used to do on the Sivaratri nights (the great night for lord Shiva when people do worship on Shiva the whole night without sleep). First one: The viboothi abishekam (pouring the holy ash on something) to the statue of Shirdi Baba from an empty pot by Baba. Second one: The Lingothbavam (producing the lingam - a symbol of lord Shiva) from Baba's mouth.

Once I started to listen to that Tamil audio version my belief in Baba's divinity got stronger and stronger. I was aware of the slander made about Baba on the internet. Because of the weakness of the human mind, my mind also wavered a little. But later on we heard that one of the religious denominations who brainwash other people's beliefs only made that slander about Baba.

Part Four

Life was going smoothly. Good news came from our daughter. She got pregnant. Since she got pregnant after four years of their marriage I was praying to God to protect the embryo. I remembered the story of Lord Krishna saving the unborn child of Abhimanyu in the Dwapara age. Since we believe that Baba is the reincarnation of Krishna I prayed to Baba for his protection.

We felt happy on moving to the next phase of life. We only enjoyed that happiness for a few days. I remember reading that 'happiness is an interval between two miseries'. My husband's health started to decline a little. He had stomach pain and also started to lose weight. The doctor referred him to do an endoscopy (a procedure used a thin, flexible tube with a light and camera attached to it, inserted into the stomach through mouth so that doctor can examine inside the stomach). On the day of the endoscopy I was waiting outside of the surgery room until my husband's procedure was done. After the endoscopy, the lady doctor who had done the procedure came outside and brought me inside. Since they sedated my husband for the procedure, he was still under some influence of the anesthesia. The doctor dropped a bombshell on me by telling 'my husband has a tumor in his stomach'. She had told my husband about it already but since he was still not fully conscious, the doctor also wanted to tell another family member about it. I was staring at the doctor in shock since I didn't expect it at all. The doctor told me she took some photos of the tumor and asked me if I wanted to see them. I didn't know what to say, so I continuously staring at her. She asked me again and didn't wait for my answer but just took me to see the pictures. She showed me the pictures. I didn't understand anything from the photos. She let me sit beside my husband and left. Before this, if any procedures happened, we used to hear 'everything is fine' or something like that. So I expected the same thing this time too. This news was a big shock to me. Doctor also told me that she took some specimens of the tumor to send for a biopsy. Even though we can't say anything until the biopsy results come, I couldn't stop worrying because I knew tumors are not a good sign. Even in that drowsy state my husband understood the seriousness of the situation. We both were staring at each other helplessly. Finally he came out of anesthesia. We came home. It was a terrible news to our children. Our whole life has changed upside-down. 

The lady doctor who did the endoscopy had already made two appointments with two specialists on behalf of us. Someone from the hospital called and told us that. The two specialists were a surgeon and an oncologist. The surgeon had checked my husband's stomach by pressing and referred to do some tests. One of them was a CT scan. In the first appointment the surgeon said that he can remove the tumor once it shrunk. But after the CT scan he said 'since it had spread to the fatty part of the abdomen there's no point in removing it'.  Even before the biopsy results we went to see the oncologist. We didn't understand why we had to see an oncologist before the results. Later we came to know that these types of tumors mostly end up being malignant. That's why they sent us to the oncologist. The biopsy results came as malignant. All bad news.

In the early nineties, before me and my daughter coming to Canada by sponsoring, one of my husband's relative and classmate had colon cancer and whenever he went to see the doctor my husband also went with him as a support person and translator. My husband had told me this before. Because of this my husband knew about the side effects of chemotherapy. So he decided to avoid chemotherapy as far as he can. Immediately after hearing about dad's sickness my daughter researched in the internet and found out various ways to treat it. We decided to try out those ways. So when we went to see the oncologist my husband told him that he's not doing chemotherapy and the oncologist accepted it.

My husband couldn't postpone the chemotherapy for a long time. So he decided to get it.

It's normal for a human being to pray to God while in distress. I myself already read the Bagavath Geeta even for my mother's scolding. Also now I'm a Baba devotee. I glued the two big laminated pictures of Sathya Sai Baba and Shirdi Sai Baba given by a cousin brother and started to do bajans everyday. Before the bajan I recite the Ashtothra Sathanamavali (108 names) of Baba. Then I sang the bajan songs alone. My nieces from Sri Lanka and Canada wanted to join me in the bajans. Only I was able to join my niece in Canada because of the time difference. I usually listen to music while I cook. Now even those songs have become devotional.

Since the tumor in my husband's stomach pressed the bile duct, the bile couldn't go into the stomach normally. So the bile started to spread in his body. Because of this his eyes and skin turned yellow and he felt an itchiness in his body. We didn't understand this. So he used a skin cream for the itchiness. But the oncologist should have known this. He didn't care about it and gave him an appointment for chemotherapy. Previous day of my husband's chemo he had the oncologist's appointment. My husband had to do blood work one hour before the appointment. Luckily on that day his oncologist was on vacation and another oncologist was doing his appointments. She saw his blood test results and asked, 'did anyone refer him to a GI (stomach specialist)'. We said 'no'. She said 'since his bilirubin (bilirubin is the main pigment in bile) count was extremely high in his blood he had to go to the emergency'. (Apparently the oncologist saw my husband's blood test the previous week and he didn't bother sending him to the GI). In the emergency they admitted him to the ward and did an emergency procedure to fix the problem. My husband stayed in the hospital for three days. Since I was very busy with this matter I couldn't find time to do the bajan. I thought God should know about my problems so even if I don't sing the bajans he would understand. That's how the bajan stopped. 

The doctor in the emergency room put a stent inside my husband's bile duct so that the bile can normally flow into the small intestines. After the procedure my husband got discharged from the hospital and came home. We lost trust in the oncologist because of his unreliable ways. My daughter tried to change the oncologist. She requested the nurse of that woman oncologist that we want her instead of the previous one. Even though we were trying the conventional treatment we were also trying the alternative ways like turmeric and neem powder for my husband's tumor.

The fetus in my daughter's tummy was growing little by little. My daughter had a dream about her paternal grandmother (my mother in law). If a deceased close relative comes in a pregnant woman's dream we believe that the relative is going to be born to that woman (since we believe in reincarnation). So according to her dream we believe that my mother in law is going to be born as my granddaughter. Then only they checked the gender of the baby and found out it's a girl. My husband was thoroughly believing his mother was going to come as his granddaughter. We too started to believe that.

My daughter gave birth to a baby girl by C-section on the twenty ninth of November 2021. My daughter and son in law came home with the baby after two days. My husband was in high spirits seeing his granddaughter. Our whole family was in high spirits for a few days. We were still doing the natural treatments for my husband’s tumor. He was still taking turmeric, neem etc.

After the first set of chemo they did a CT scan to check if the tumor has reduced in size. We were expecting the doctor to tell us that the size of the tumor had reduced. But she said there are no changes in the tumor. That means neither the chemo nor the natural remedies worked. We got a little depressed. But then only we realized they didn't tell the size of the tumor became bigger or something like that.

I used to wash the dishes in the mornings. Sometimes my husband washed them too. We left the dishes in the sink overnight and washed them in the mornings. Since we were living in apartments before and people complained when we made noises at night we started to wash the dishes in the mornings only. When we bought a condo in Toronto and moved there, we had cockroach problems in the building. If we left the dishes in the sink, the cockroaches would infest. Luckily there was a dishwasher in the kitchen. So I put the dishes in the dishwasher after dinner and cleaned up all the countertops with soapy water. Then there won't be any infestation. I continued doing that even after we moved to the new house. I wondered what if we brought any cockroaches with us when we brought our things from our condo. So I wanted to continue doing the same thing to avoid any cockroach problems. Luckily we have a dishwasher in the new house too. After the last meal I put all the dishes in the dishwasher and clean the countertops with soapy water before I go to sleep. Again I started listening to the YouTube videos of Baba. I put the hearing ends of the earphone into my ears and the other end into my phone from where the YouTube videos come from, start the video and then put the phone into the pocket of my nightgown and listen to the videos, while I stack the dishes in the dishwasher. Those videos are mostly by the Baba devotees about their personal experiences of Baba's divinity. Once there was a video of an event that happened in Prashanthi Nilayam (Baba's residence in Puttaparthi). It was made by the management of Prashanthi Nilayam in memory of Baba. It was about the 'Vahini' series of books written by Baba. Even though I knew that Baba had written books like Bhagavatha Vahini, Dhyana Vahini etc. before, I didn't think of reading them until then. In that video the man who had inaugurated that event mentioned about an incident that happened to someone with Baba. Once a devotee had asked Baba, "How can we love god Baba?". Baba had answered "If you want to love God you have to follow his messages. Otherwise it's a mere like, not a love".

I've read that Baba informed his family "I don't belong to you. My devotees are calling me" and left his home when he was fourteen years old. But because of his mother's request he had his main residence in Puttaparthi. He had started the water project, a hospital and a college and he extended those to the villages beside his own. The water project was extended to even the capital of Tamil Nadu state, Chennai. I also heard about a monthly magazine called 'Sanathana Sarathi' getting issued from Prashanthi Nilayam. Sanathana sarathi means eternal charioteer in Sanskrit. Baba had written a lot of articles like Dharma Vahini, Dhyana Vahini etc. in that monthly magazine. Vahini means stream in Sanskrit. Those articles on a particular subject became individual books later on. After watching that video I wanted to read them. I knew those books got translated into English and even in Tamil from Telugu. I got an invitation to an App called Prashanthi Connect. Through that App now I'm able to hear the audio version of the Tamil translation of the books like 'Bhagavatha Vahini', 'Dharma Vahini' etc. written by Baba. One of the people who was telling about the Vahini series of Baba was telling that nearly 2000 speeches of Baba were available to the public and there were altogether 15 books on Vahini series.

Bhagavatha Vahini had begun with the birth of the grandson of the Pandavas, Pareekshith. He was actually the son of Abhimanyu (the son of Arjuna and Lord Krishna's sister Subathra). And then it goes into Lord Krishna's story.

Dharma Vahini was explaining about our duties as citizens of earth. Since I happened to read about feminism in some books when I was young, I used to have some wrong conceptions about women's rights etc. But Baba explained beautifully what are the duties of a woman and what are the duties of a man in a peaceful society. Now I have a clear view about that.

Next I was listening to Dhyana Vahini. Baba was explaining how to do meditation and what are the benefits we get from reciting God's name in Dhyana Vahini. Baba was even explaining about some misconceptions around the caste differences etc.

Then I listened to the Upanishad Vahini. I remember studying about the Ubanishads in the religion class during my school years in Srilanka. I remember studying the names of some Ubanishads too. But I don't know the contents of them. Now only I was able to know what's in the Ubanishads and how were they created.

The oncologist had started a different chemotherapy now. The new chemotherapy was twice a week. The side effects of it was severe. He couldn't been able to walk or talk. Maybe it affected the brain too because he couldn't even think properly he complaint. He started to say, "In this way I might died faster with the chemo than with cancer". So we stopped the chemo half way.

Our daughter also was giving carrot juices everyday. She has bought a juicer for this purpose. In the conventional treatment (allopathy) the doctors said there is no cure for cancer. They can only extend the life time they said. But a book that daughter bought online it said otherwise. That is it can be cured fully the book said. My husband's cousin living in London once called and said it can be cured by the Ayurvedha (or siddha) treatments. She mentioned a famous Siddha doctor in India has cured many uncured diseases and she can connect us with him. Husband said yes to it. We have contacted the doctor and he sent us three kinds of medications. In the beginning my husband was optimistic in taking those medications but little by little he started to lose hope. He was eating less and less food now. He felt nauseated even while I was cooking. He became skinnier and skinnier.

He had to go to the hospital at one point. We went with him without knowing that it was the last time he's going to the hospital. He stayed there for more than a week.

He took his last breath there. Our life had come to a stop. Children also felt the same. Since our daughter had tried everything to cure his cancer she was so upset but I told her that now he's pain free and we all mutually consoled each other.

The funeral had took place and both of our sons did all the religious rites directed by the priest. 

The ritual cleansing formalities also took place.