Part Four

Life was going smoothly. Good news came from our daughter. She got pregnant. Since she got pregnant after four years of their marriage I was praying to God to protect the embryo. I remembered the story of Lord Krishna saving the unborn child of Abhimanyu in the Dwapara age. Since we believe that Baba is the reincarnation of Krishna I prayed to Baba for his protection.

We felt happy on moving to the next phase of life. We only enjoyed that happiness for a few days. I remember reading that 'happiness is an interval between two miseries'. My husband's health started to decline a little. He had stomach pain and also started to lose weight. The doctor referred him to do an endoscopy (a procedure used a thin, flexible tube with a light and camera attached to it, inserted into the stomach through mouth so that doctor can examine inside the stomach). On the day of the endoscopy I was waiting outside of the surgery room until my husband's procedure was done. After the endoscopy, the lady doctor who had done the procedure came outside and brought me inside. Since they sedated my husband for the procedure, he was still under some influence of the anesthesia. The doctor dropped a bombshell on me by telling 'my husband has a tumor in his stomach'. She had told my husband about it already but since he was still not fully conscious, the doctor also wanted to tell another family member about it. I was staring at the doctor in shock since I didn't expect it at all. The doctor told me she took some photos of the tumor and asked me if I wanted to see them. I didn't know what to say, so I continuously staring at her. She asked me again and didn't wait for my answer but just took me to see the pictures. She showed me the pictures. I didn't understand anything from the photos. She let me sit beside my husband and left. Before this, if any procedures happened, we used to hear 'everything is fine' or something like that. So I expected the same thing this time too. This news was a big shock to me. Doctor also told me that she took some specimens of the tumor to send for a biopsy. Even though we can't say anything until the biopsy results come, I couldn't stop worrying because I knew tumors are not a good sign. Even in that drowsy state my husband understood the seriousness of the situation. We both were staring at each other helplessly. Finally he came out of anesthesia. We came home. It was a terrible news to our children. Our whole life has changed upside-down. 

The lady doctor who did the endoscopy had already made two appointments with two specialists on behalf of us. Someone from the hospital called and told us that. The two specialists were a surgeon and an oncologist. The surgeon had checked my husband's stomach by pressing and referred to do some tests. One of them was a CT scan. In the first appointment the surgeon said that he can remove the tumor once it shrunk. But after the CT scan he said 'since it had spread to the fatty part of the abdomen there's no point in removing it'.  Even before the biopsy results we went to see the oncologist. We didn't understand why we had to see an oncologist before the results. Later we came to know that these types of tumors mostly end up being malignant. That's why they sent us to the oncologist. The biopsy results came as malignant. All bad news.

In the early nineties, before me and my daughter coming to Canada by sponsoring, one of my husband's relative and classmate had colon cancer and whenever he went to see the doctor my husband also went with him as a support person and translator. My husband had told me this before. Because of this my husband knew about the side effects of chemotherapy. So he decided to avoid chemotherapy as far as he can. Immediately after hearing about dad's sickness my daughter researched in the internet and found out various ways to treat it. We decided to try out those ways. So when we went to see the oncologist my husband told him that he's not doing chemotherapy and the oncologist accepted it.

My husband couldn't postpone the chemotherapy for a long time. So he decided to get it.

It's normal for a human being to pray to God while in distress. I myself already read the Bagavath Geeta even for my mother's scolding. Also now I'm a Baba devotee. I glued the two big laminated pictures of Sathya Sai Baba and Shirdi Sai Baba given by a cousin brother and started to do bajans everyday. Before the bajan I recite the Ashtothra Sathanamavali (108 names) of Baba. Then I sang the bajan songs alone. My nieces from Sri Lanka and Canada wanted to join me in the bajans. Only I was able to join my niece in Canada because of the time difference. I usually listen to music while I cook. Now even those songs have become devotional.

Since the tumor in my husband's stomach pressed the bile duct, the bile couldn't go into the stomach normally. So the bile started to spread in his body. Because of this his eyes and skin turned yellow and he felt an itchiness in his body. We didn't understand this. So he used a skin cream for the itchiness. But the oncologist should have known this. He didn't care about it and gave him an appointment for chemotherapy. Previous day of my husband's chemo he had the oncologist's appointment. My husband had to do blood work one hour before the appointment. Luckily on that day his oncologist was on vacation and another oncologist was doing his appointments. She saw his blood test results and asked, 'did anyone refer him to a GI (stomach specialist)'. We said 'no'. She said 'since his bilirubin (bilirubin is the main pigment in bile) count was extremely high in his blood he had to go to the emergency'. (Apparently the oncologist saw my husband's blood test the previous week and he didn't bother sending him to the GI). In the emergency they admitted him to the ward and did an emergency procedure to fix the problem. My husband stayed in the hospital for three days. Since I was very busy with this matter I couldn't find time to do the bajan. I thought God should know about my problems so even if I don't sing the bajans he would understand. That's how the bajan stopped. 

The doctor in the emergency room put a stent inside my husband's bile duct so that the bile can normally flow into the small intestines. After the procedure my husband got discharged from the hospital and came home. We lost trust in the oncologist because of his unreliable ways. My daughter tried to change the oncologist. She requested the nurse of that woman oncologist that we want her instead of the previous one. Even though we were trying the conventional treatment we were also trying the alternative ways like turmeric and neem powder for my husband's tumor.

The fetus in my daughter's tummy was growing little by little. My daughter had a dream about her paternal grandmother (my mother in law). If a deceased close relative comes in a pregnant woman's dream we believe that the relative is going to be born to that woman (since we believe in reincarnation). So according to her dream we believe that my mother in law is going to be born as my granddaughter. Then only they checked the gender of the baby and found out it's a girl. My husband was thoroughly believing his mother was going to come as his granddaughter. We too started to believe that.

My daughter gave birth to a baby girl by C-section on the twenty ninth of November 2021. My daughter and son in law came home with the baby after two days. My husband was in high spirits seeing his granddaughter. Our whole family was in high spirits for a few days. We were still doing the natural treatments for my husband’s tumor. He was still taking turmeric, neem etc.

After the first set of chemo they did a CT scan to check if the tumor has reduced in size. We were expecting the doctor to tell us that the size of the tumor had reduced. But she said there are no changes in the tumor. That means neither the chemo nor the natural remedies worked. We got a little depressed. But then only we realized they didn't tell the size of the tumor became bigger or something like that.

I used to wash the dishes in the mornings. Sometimes my husband washed them too. We left the dishes in the sink overnight and washed them in the mornings. Since we were living in apartments before and people complained when we made noises at night we started to wash the dishes in the mornings only. When we bought a condo in Toronto and moved there, we had cockroach problems in the building. If we left the dishes in the sink, the cockroaches would infest. Luckily there was a dishwasher in the kitchen. So I put the dishes in the dishwasher after dinner and cleaned up all the countertops with soapy water. Then there won't be any infestation. I continued doing that even after we moved to the new house. I wondered what if we brought any cockroaches with us when we brought our things from our condo. So I wanted to continue doing the same thing to avoid any cockroach problems. Luckily we have a dishwasher in the new house too. After the last meal I put all the dishes in the dishwasher and clean the countertops with soapy water before I go to sleep. Again I started listening to the YouTube videos of Baba. I put the hearing ends of the earphone into my ears and the other end into my phone from where the YouTube videos come from, start the video and then put the phone into the pocket of my nightgown and listen to the videos, while I stack the dishes in the dishwasher. Those videos are mostly by the Baba devotees about their personal experiences of Baba's divinity. Once there was a video of an event that happened in Prashanthi Nilayam (Baba's residence in Puttaparthi). It was made by the management of Prashanthi Nilayam in memory of Baba. It was about the 'Vahini' series of books written by Baba. Even though I knew that Baba had written books like Bhagavatha Vahini, Dhyana Vahini etc. before, I didn't think of reading them until then. In that video the man who had inaugurated that event mentioned about an incident that happened to someone with Baba. Once a devotee had asked Baba, "How can we love god Baba?". Baba had answered "If you want to love God you have to follow his messages. Otherwise it's a mere like, not a love".

I've read that Baba informed his family "I don't belong to you. My devotees are calling me" and left his home when he was fourteen years old. But because of his mother's request he had his main residence in Puttaparthi. He had started the water project, a hospital and a college and he extended those to the villages beside his own. The water project was extended to even the capital of Tamil Nadu state, Chennai. I also heard about a monthly magazine called 'Sanathana Sarathi' getting issued from Prashanthi Nilayam. Sanathana sarathi means eternal charioteer in Sanskrit. Baba had written a lot of articles like Dharma Vahini, Dhyana Vahini etc. in that monthly magazine. Vahini means stream in Sanskrit. Those articles on a particular subject became individual books later on. After watching that video I wanted to read them. I knew those books got translated into English and even in Tamil from Telugu. I got an invitation to an App called Prashanthi Connect. Through that App now I'm able to hear the audio version of the Tamil translation of the books like 'Bhagavatha Vahini', 'Dharma Vahini' etc. written by Baba. One of the people who was telling about the Vahini series of Baba was telling that nearly 2000 speeches of Baba were available to the public and there were altogether 15 books on Vahini series.

Bhagavatha Vahini had begun with the birth of the grandson of the Pandavas, Pareekshith. He was actually the son of Abhimanyu (the son of Arjuna and Lord Krishna's sister Subathra). And then it goes into Lord Krishna's story.

Dharma Vahini was explaining about our duties as citizens of earth. Since I happened to read about feminism in some books when I was young, I used to have some wrong conceptions about women's rights etc. But Baba explained beautifully what are the duties of a woman and what are the duties of a man in a peaceful society. Now I have a clear view about that.

Next I was listening to Dhyana Vahini. Baba was explaining how to do meditation and what are the benefits we get from reciting God's name in Dhyana Vahini. Baba was even explaining about some misconceptions around the caste differences etc.

Then I listened to the Upanishad Vahini. I remember studying about the Ubanishads in the religion class during my school years in Srilanka. I remember studying the names of some Ubanishads too. But I don't know the contents of them. Now only I was able to know what's in the Ubanishads and how were they created.

The oncologist had started a different chemotherapy now. The new chemotherapy was twice a week. The side effects of it was severe. He couldn't been able to walk or talk. Maybe it affected the brain too because he couldn't even think properly he complaint. He started to say, "In this way I might died faster with the chemo than with cancer". So we stopped the chemo half way.

Our daughter also was giving carrot juices everyday. She has bought a juicer for this purpose. In the conventional treatment (allopathy) the doctors said there is no cure for cancer. They can only extend the life time they said. But a book that daughter bought online it said otherwise. That is it can be cured fully the book said. My husband's cousin living in London once called and said it can be cured by the Ayurvedha (or siddha) treatments. She mentioned a famous Siddha doctor in India has cured many uncured diseases and she can connect us with him. Husband said yes to it. We have contacted the doctor and he sent us three kinds of medications. In the beginning my husband was optimistic in taking those medications but little by little he started to lose hope. He was eating less and less food now. He felt nauseated even while I was cooking. He became skinnier and skinnier.

He had to go to the hospital at one point. We went with him without knowing that it was the last time he's going to the hospital. He stayed there for more than a week.

He took his last breath there. Our life had come to a stop. Children also felt the same. Since our daughter had tried everything to cure his cancer she was so upset but I told her that now he's pain free and we all mutually consoled each other.

The funeral had took place and both of our sons did all the religious rites directed by the priest. 

The ritual cleansing formalities also took place.